Episode 91
#89. Author and Former Influencer Erin Loechner Explains Why Social Media Deeply Impacts Mothers | Part 2 + Honoring the Life of Charlie Kirk
You're being taught to fear. Christian parenting is difficult enough--but are we doing something to make it even more overwhelming and anxiety-producing?
It was a delight to get to know the lovely Erin Loechner more through this conversation, and we pray it blesses you! Erin has chosen a life of intentionality and prioritizes people over technology. You'll certainly be inspired and challenged by her perspective!
We also take a moment to honor a life of conviction as we grieve the passing of Charlie Kirk.
Did you miss part 1 of our conversation? Listen here.
Find out more about our BRAND NEW videos for COUPLES!!!
Learn more about the Online Entrusted with a Child's Heart Class for Moms: Email stephanie@ewach.com.
Erin's Books:
Transcript
They're the joyful agains our children.
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:Shout on the swings, the exhausting
agains of cooking and laundry and
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:the difficult agains of discipline.
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:So much of what we do
as mothers is on repeat.
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:So what if we woke up with clarity,
knowing which agains we were called to.
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:And went to bed believing we are
faithful in what matters most.
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:We believe God's word is
the key to untangle from the
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:confusion and overwhelm we feel.
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:Let's look up together to embrace a
motherhood full of freedom and joy.
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:Welcome to the Again podcast, brought
to you by Entrusted Ministries.
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:I'm your host, Stephanie Cock.
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:Before we get to part two of my interview
with the amazing Aaron Lochner, I want
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:to take a moment to honor another life
of conviction, the life of Charlie Kirk.
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:If you're familiar with Charlie
and his passion and hope for the
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:future of of America, then you
know, he relentlessly lived a life.
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:Consistent with biblical and personal
convictions, you don't need to agree
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:with everything that he stood for
politically, to acknowledge that he
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:was our brother in Christ, and that
he was willing to engage in a kind
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:way that elevated logic and reason
to a generation desperate for truth.
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:I realized that I'm about to air an
interview with someone warning about
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:the dangers of social media, but from my
perspective, Charlie Kirk, represented the
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:best of what the internet has to offer.
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:For many, he was a faithful source of
reason and hope, and a guide navigating
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:controversial and challenging days.
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:I don't have many public figures that
I look up to and respect, but Charlie
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:Kirk was someone I hoped that my boys
would be like someday, that all of
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:this homeschooling would add up, and
that my boys, would become young men
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:that are willing to be strong leaders
taking a stand for Jesus Christ.
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:Again, political beliefs aside,
Charlie was a man that lived with
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:the goal of honoring Jesus Christ.
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:So right now, if you're wrestling with
the pain of this world, and perhaps this
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:has triggered a fear in you that at any
moment we could be taken, our children
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:could be taken, our husbands could be
taken, I want to remind you that we could
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:die living lives of mediocrity or even die
dishonoring Christ, or we can live boldly
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:proclaiming his truth and his glory.
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:Charlie will always have my respect
for his own uncompromising courage.
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:Okay.
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:Now let's get to part two of my interview
with former influencer Erin Lochner.
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:She's the author of Chasing
Slow and the Opt-Out Family.
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:Her heart is for families to be more
engaging than technology, social
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:media, and all of the algorithms.
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:In this interview, we talk about how
we are the first generation to do this.
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:And that's why I am so grateful
for her guidance and her critical
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:thinking in evaluating how
are all of these technological
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:changes affecting me, affecting
my parenting, affecting my family.
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:I,
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:I have no desire to parade personal
convictions on this podcast, but I do want
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:to challenge every believer to evaluate.
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:How can I live a life that
glorifies Jesus Christ?
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:Our little ones are watching and
it's my goal that they'll look back
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:and respect the boundary lines that
I drew for myself and for them.
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:But I'm filling the pole in the tug
just as much as you are, so I'm thankful
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:to have Aaron as another source of
wisdom modeling a road less traveled.
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:Here's part two of that interview,
and next week I'll bring you
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:the conclusion of our chat.
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:. Stephanie: Before we get more into the
Optout family, could you explain for
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:our listeners why you are the perfect
person that got us called to share
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:this message and how your journey went
from HGTV and blogging and all of that
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:Erin: Oh yeah, yeah, of course.
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:I mean, message,
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:I.
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:Stephanie: I.
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:Erin: A social media influencer.
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:I had over a million
followers, so this was my job.
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:Job, you know, I just, that's, and
it, and I didn't set out that way.
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:I was an hgtv.com
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:host when they were kind of piloting
the idea of online influence.
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:So it was before social media.
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:And my husband and I used to live in Los
Angeles, and I was at the time doing a
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:lot of magazine writing and home styling
and photographing, you know, different
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:different d design, you know, gallery
shows and curating and things like that.
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:And so it was kind of knee
deep in the design world.
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:And I had a blog again when
um, for a very long time.
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:And so, we were moving to the Midwest
because my husband's father became ill.
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:We were going to renovate a house, and
this is the short story, the long one
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:is in that first book, but, um, we were
gonna be renovating a house, and so we
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:ended up renovating it for hdv com and
we did a two year, 24 episode show.
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:At the time I remember my editor
kind of saying being a public
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:figure and everything, you're gonna
have to like, let people into how,
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:like the behind the scenes, right?
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:Everybody wants to see like,
what did you have for lunch?
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:And, and what's really happening?
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:And I remember being like, that's
such an odd concept because we're
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:not actually, we're not actually
friends and we're like, that there's
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:no context for the way that we live.
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:And um, and still it was like,
okay, all right, so that sounds fun.
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:And so we would show, you
know, snapshots on Instagram
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:there was kind of a shift from
aspiration to inspiration.
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:We kind of recognized that
there was nothing really
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:beautiful about what was fake.
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:And we really swung hard in the
other direction to like, beauty is
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:in the authenticity and in the real.
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:And, and I think we kind of confused,
you know, I'm saying we collectively,
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:anybody that participated in, in social
media culture at that time, whether they
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:were consuming or creating, I think we
sort of thought, well if we want to be
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:vulnerable, we need to be transparent.
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:And I think we really confuse
those terms quite a bit.
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:At least I did, you know, I just
thought if I am gonna be honest then I
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:should share almost the most of what I.
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:I knew in my heart I wasn't
gonna share my kids' faces.
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:I wasn't gonna share their names.
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:I just was deeply protective over the fact
that they didn't sign up for this life.
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:You know, they weren't formed
adults making a career choice here.
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:And I just really wanted
to honor and respect that.
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:And even as a, a, you know, a
full-time influencer, I just kept them.
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:I could, I found that I could talk
about motherhood without talking about
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:mothering those specific children.
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:And so that's where I lived
for a really long time.
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:And then I recognized as my kids aged
that social media was changing in a way,
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:the algorithm was becoming something
different than what it used to be when
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:we all just shared pictures of our lunch
and, you know, the book catalogs kind of,
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:a lot of the why those changes were made
a lot of how those changes were made.
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:But I knew they had been made.
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:And so I knew, gosh, this social media,
how it exists now is a place I would
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:never encourage my children to go.
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:And I was pretty active in
mentoring my friend's kids.
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:We had kids a little later, and so, all
of our friend group, their kids are in
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:high school and they're getting the latest
Snapchat and everything that's happening.
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:So I kind of took on the role as
a tech mentor for a lot of kids.
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:And so I got, I got a lot of a reality,
you know, a lot of what they're actually
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:dealing with when we, you know, we
can look at the statistics all day
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:long and when we see our neighbors
going through that, it's really hard.
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:And so, so I recognize, you know, here
my kids are little and at some point
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:going to ask me the question, well, mom,
why is it that you're on social media
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:and you don't recommend that we do it?
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:And I've never been the kind of
parent that's like, our rules
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:should be, should be different.
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:I mean, yes, there are laws, you know,
driving, I can't let you drive and but
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:yet I gotta get you to theater rehearsal.
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:And so I think I, this didn't seem
like one of those, this did not seem
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:like it, it was past the point of
this isn't safe for kids and more like
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:this isn't recommended for anyone.
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:And I truly believe that.
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:I just did not believe it was a
place to mess around in the way
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:that the current model and the
way that the algorithm was set up.
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:And after all the research that's been
confirmed, and I'm thrilled that the
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:research is out there, that really, it is
skewed in such a harmful way for mental,
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:physical, every part of our health.
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:So long story short, I
deleted all my accounts.
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:I left social media.
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:I wanted to be able to go first and
model something different for my kids.
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:I wanted that when they were going to
choose their own relationship with social
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:media or their own, relationship with a
phone or a personal device of any kind.
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:I wanted them to be able to point
to people in real life that did it
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:differently and had vibrant social lives
and were still fairly normal people.
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:And so, um, that's kind of
the path that I went down.
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:So again, it was a very lived
message, but we did, my husband and
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:I recognized really early on that we
were going to be saying no to personal
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:devices in our home, but we needed
to also say yes to something better.
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:And so that book, that's
what this book became.
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:What do kids actually need?
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:What do they want when they're
picking up their phone?
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:What are they looking for?
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:Do they even want this life or is it
just the life that's offered to them?
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:And, a lot of those answers are in
the book and, um, and it's hopeful.
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:I think there's a lot of hope
for future for our kids, but we
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:definitely chose to just opt out
completely of personal devices.
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:Stephanie: Definitely.
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:That is so neat that you were
able to model it, that the
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:Lord gave you that wisdom.
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:Even as your children are so
long young and that you were
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:able to offer that to other kids.
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:I read recently 12 ways
Your phone is Changing You.
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:And the line in there that got me the most
is he said, we're the first generation
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:to do this, that we can't call our
mothers or our grandmothers or so many
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:of the women sitting in church with us.
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:We can't say, what did you do when your
kids were in high school or middle school?
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:We really are figuring this
out for ourselves and for
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:our kids at the same time.
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:And the pace of all of the changes
is so radical and so extreme that
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:it feels daunting as a parent.
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:And I'm so thankful because I
would've said, if I could describe
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:you in any way, I would've said,
you are very gracious, and that's
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:just the way that you come across.
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:And so when.
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:Someone so gracious writes a
book with such a clear value of,
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:no, really this isn't worth it.
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:I think that's so encouraging to say,
this is really not a gamble you wanna
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:make with your family, and I appreciate
that you took a stand for us all and
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:that you put the research behind it
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:Erin: Thank you.
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:Stephanie: and the way that you do
challenge the current logic and the
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:current fallacies that we're buying into.
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:There was a section that
was so thought provoking.
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:I mean it all was, but there
is this idea that smartphones
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:teach healthy tech boundaries.
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:But you say, what if they actually don't?
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:And is this a valid, perspective?
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:So if we as a nation wanted to teach
our children better gun control, would
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:we allow them access to their own guns?
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:How about alcohol, cars, sex pills?
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:And you go on and you say, we
don't do this with anything else.
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:When we want to teach our kids budgeting,
we don't hand them their own credit card
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:and tell them not to spend it after 9:00
PM and you just go on and you explain
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:how in so many areas, we don't give our
kids a car to teach them how to drive.
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:Well when they're too young for we don't
give them their own medicine cabinets.
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:And that was so thought provoking
for me because I feel like many
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:parents are saying, I want them
to do it well under my own roof
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:because they're gonna do it anyway.
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:So can you talk to us a
little bit more about.
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:Just how illogical that line of reasoning
really turns out to be in most homes.
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:Erin: Yeah, I mean, I think you hit the
nail on the head on that we're the first
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:generation to be experimenting this
and, and I feel like, we don't, whenever
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:we're making any other decision and we're
looking for the research, right, we would
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:never just sign up willingly to a great
experiment where our kids are the ones
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:that are going to read consequences.
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:I think sometimes we do it
as parents, like, let's.
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:You know, we're adults so we can say
like, well let's try this and see
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:if it works, or, you know, whatever.
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:And I'm not at all saying that
we can, that there is a perfect
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:plan or formula for any of this.
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:But it is very interesting, and
I don't think by accident that we
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:do kind of use these very blanket
they're not excuses, they're reasons.
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:They are reasons.
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:But when we actually unpack them
and play them out, we can see
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:some of the fallacies in them.
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:And those reasons were provided from tech.
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:You know, there's a very top down
kind of dissemination of information
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:that was not, it was not an accident.
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:And a lot of those interviews
are in the book with the, I think
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:it's interesting that, that we,
the consumers of technology.
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:This was the biggest pattern that I
noticed when I talked to, I interviewed
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:over 250 resources in and out of
Silicon Valley and decision makers
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:all the way down to just, families.
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:What are you guys seeing?
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:What are you guys noticing?
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:Every consumer of tech was so quick
to say, you know, this is just
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:a tool, it's neutral, you know,
we can use it for good or bad.
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:And then when I would interview the
creator, the creator of the platform,
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:the, CEOs of these social media
networks, the people actually doing
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:the engineering and the program of
creating them, they were so honest that
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:this is not a neutral thing, right?
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:We are a business, we have a business
model, and that business model is
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:to have you spend as much money
as possible so we can keep going.
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:We want your time, we want your
attention, we want your money, we want
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:your companionship, we want your trust.
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:We want influence.
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:And, and so here we are kind of making
excuses for all of these people that
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:that are saying, don't make excuses.
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:We're in this for the money.
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:And that was so eyeopening to me,
and it was eyeopening that, you
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:know, 77% of parents believe that
smartphones do more hard than
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:good, but 98% of teens have them.
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:And I just wanted to know if that could
change and if if there was a way to
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:make, one of our family mottos is be
more engaging than the algorithm, right?
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:Like, can we as parents, um,
make our homes, places that our
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:kids don't want to escape from?
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:And I'm not saying they're not gonna
go through seasons of pushing back and
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:challenging and pushing boundaries.
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:That's all normal.
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:That's fine.
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:But if our baseline is that.
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:We're not going to escape from each other
into separate places in the household.
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:Could that just be kind of a basic
human boundary that we're setting
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:here, that we are not going that sure
once we decide to incorporate screens,
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:let's share those screens and let's
share what happens on those screens.
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:You know, are there just some
like pillars of tech usage that
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:we can all agree on that don't
involve any sort of screen time?
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:Because I don't think that's an accurate
measure of what's healthy and what's not.
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:It's how much time are you
spending with this unhealthy thing?
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:Could we just maybe look a little bit past
that and get creative with some solutions?
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:So I hope that's what the book did.
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:But it was certainly fun to
challenge in my own house.
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:Stephanie: Yes.
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:Yes.
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:And I, I do think that there are
more beautiful experiences, or
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:watching a, a shared family movie
is different than everyone, like you
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:said, on their own device, having, I.
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:A separate experience.
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:It's not family time, and our culture
is already so busy and pushing
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:us so many different directions.
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:We have to be very diligent to
protect the family time that we have.
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:How do you feel the algorithm affects
mothers, specifically the fear
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:aspects of Instagram and algorithms?
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:Erin: Oh gosh.
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:Well, uh, one of the really
jarring examples, I talk about
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:this in the, there's a tech
writer named Fowler who and, um.
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:You know, he kind of already had, he
had thought what he was signing up
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:for was sort of this beautiful baby
scrapbook of moments where he could
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:share it with his friends and family.
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:Even it was if it was a private account,
and what happened was that the feed
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:just kept sending him all of these
images of deformed babies or really
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:tragic accidents happening in his home
and in the homes of other parents.
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:And it just fed this parental fear
and anxiety that's already there.
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:You know, that's what the,
that's what the algorithm does.
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:It's not in inventing a new fear
or a new desire or a new emotion.
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:It's capitalizing repeatedly, you
know, talk about, again, again, again,
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:there is impact in the repetition
and it's feeding that and empowering
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:it, you know, it's making it larger
and making it grow and, and teaching
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:it to hunger for more, more, more.
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:Of whatever that emotion is.
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:And, you know, if we think that
these programmers don't know
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:how to tap into the human spirit
and psyche, we're so very wrong.
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:You know, they're psychology experts.
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:I think what the, what the
algorithm does is simply takes
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:that, that deep rooted fear of am
I not doing enough for my child?
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:And we, they will know, you know,
um, we can now download our data and
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:access exactly what it's feeding us.
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:And it's so interesting how it starts,
as a very wide variety of generally
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:negative, skewed emotion, right?
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:And then it just gets really
hyper-focused on one thing.
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:You know, it's, it's, I have learned, I'm
a machine and I have learned your thing.
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:What is your thing that is
going to get you on this device
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:and keep you on this device?
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:And for a lot of parents,
it is, it is anxiety.
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:It is this fear that if I am not on
top of the news and the latest research
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:of parenting even something silly as
here's a script, here's a parenting
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:script to talk to your children better.
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:If I can keep that parent falling
asleep with the knowledge that they
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:could have spoken to their child better
that day and didn't, and think that
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:they're armed the next day for something
better, well now I'm the source that
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:they're going to for that better thing,
rather than a more healthy source.
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:That does offer context and it does
offer nuance or I don't know even
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:the word of God that is absolutely
inspired and non-changing and useful
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:for, helpful in correcting and rebuking
and you know, some of the like it's.
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:Algorithm wants to be the source.
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:And yet we have a better
source available to us, and so
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:let's look to source instead.
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:Stephanie: Amen.
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:So well said I think for us,
we've never parented without
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:all of this use of technology.
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:I think we don't realize how much
we're being fed the anxious thoughts
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:and they would be there already, but
you're right, they're being capitalized.
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:And I, you even share an example
about how rare it is for a child
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:to drown, and yet how often we're
seeing that come across our screens.
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:And instead of being irrational,
responsible adult, we are being fed a lie
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:that we have to be hypervigilant and then
we're not even enjoying it with them.
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:And I, I think it is robbing so much
of the joy with all of the sphere.
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:Erin: Yes it is.
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:And, I mean, gosh, it, and it, and
it causes us to really forget the
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:tools we already have at our disposal
because we're not practicing those.
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:We're just constantly in this, um,
state of, of reception, in this
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:state of receiving more and consuming
more information that's new to us.
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:And, you know, I
experienced this firsthand.
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:I don't love going to
the pool with my kids.
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:I'm scared and I was a lifeguard.
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:I was a competitive swimmer my whole life.
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:I know how, I know how to
save children from drowning.
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:And yet you see that and, and you
feel it on this visceral level
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:and you think, gosh, if I just
close my eyes for one second.
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:And, i'm not saying that that's not
a reality for people, but when we're
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:showed that constantly or whatever
that thing is for us it could be,
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:you know, fear of strangers or,
um, any kind of child abduction in
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:the neighborhood will keep you from
letting your kid run the neighborhood.
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:Or, um, gosh, I had a friend who talked
about she was shown all of these accidents
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:that were happening in nature, like
just kids in trees and, that was the
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:thing that her feed had all the time.
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:And so she was scared to have
her kids go out in the forest
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:with her even and explore.
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:And I think, gosh, that's so real.
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:That is so real.
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:It is a scary job to be
responsible for someone else.
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:And we have to continually
remind ourselves that
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:we're, our kids aren't ours.
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:We're, we're here to steward them.
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:Their guts kids, and and, you know, we
take care of them the best that we can.
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:We do.
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:And we don't need to fill our mind with
the worst case scenario at all times.
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:It's not going to make us more vigilant.
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:It's gonna make us more scared.
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:I.
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:Stephanie: Absolutely.
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:And you're right, there is such an
element of control and taking on
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:a layer that the Lord never meant
to put on a mother's shoulders.
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:I wanna make a couple really important
announcements first of all, we have
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:long intended to record videos for
couples, and we did it this summer.
367
:We created Entrusted with the
child's heart videos for couples.
368
:We, of course, have our video series
for moms Entrusted with the child's
369
:heart, and those are in depth
comprehensive videos that are phenomenal,
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:but these couples videos serve as
great recaps to the couples book.
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:And guess what?
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:We feel called to make it
completely free for you right now.
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:To watch these videos, all you need to
do is order the couple's book for $20
374
:because we want you to have that to
look back on and to read along with it.
375
:and we'll give you access
to those streaming codes so
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:you can watch all 17 videos.
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:We pray that this brings mom and
dads together, even if they're
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:tired and overwhelmed, and that
it brings unity in your home.
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:I'll link to our website
in the show notes.
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:I'd also like to announce
an important opportunity.
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:Perhaps you've been listening to the
podcast and thinking, I would love to take
382
:and trusted with the child's heart, but
my church hasn't offered it at a time.
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:I can take it.
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:Or perhaps your church hasn't
been able to offer it yet.
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:We want to minister to you, whether you're
near or far, or we're gonna make a way
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:because we're having another online group.
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:This would consist of you watching the
videos on your own time and then coming
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:together with a group of moms from
across the country in an online format.
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:I'll lead it and we'll discuss how
our homes can be transformed for the
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:glory of God through the principles
Betsy teaches in the videos.
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:We will get real, we'll go deep,
we'll talk practical strategies, and
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:it'll all be centered on scripture.
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:If you're interested in that
option, let's talk details.
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:Email me@stephanieatewok.com.
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:That's S-T-E-P-H-A-N-I e@ewh.com.
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:I'm looking forward to meeting you,
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:we know you're busy, mama.
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:So we are truly grateful you joined us for
this episode of again, if you're looking
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:for more information about building your
home on the foundation of Jesus Christ,
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:head to www dot Entrusted Ministries
dot com to learn more about our study
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:for moms Entrusted with a child's Heart.
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:This scripture saturated study
has blessed families around the
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:world, and we want it for you too.
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:Before you go, I want to pray this
benediction over you from Second
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:Thessalonians one 11 through 12.
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:We're rooting for you to this end.
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:We always pray for you that our God
may make you worthy of his calling
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:and fulfill every resolve for good.
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:And every work of faith by his power
so that the name of our Lord Jesus
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:may be glorified in you and you
and Him according to the grace of
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:our God and the Lord Jesus Christ.
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:Amen.
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:Until we meet again.