#105. An ADHD Testimony of Hope with Jake and Emily Deyo | Part 2

: 00:00:01

They're the joyful agains our children.

2

: 00:00:03

Shout on the swings, the exhausting

agains of cooking and laundry and

3

: 00:00:07

the difficult agains of discipline.

4

: 00:00:10

So much of what we do

as mothers is on repeat.

5

: 00:00:13

So what if we woke up with clarity,

knowing which agains we were called to.

6

: 00:00:17

And went to bed believing we are

faithful in what matters most.

7

: 00:00:21

We believe God's word is

the key to untangle from the

8

: 00:00:24

confusion and overwhelm we feel.

9

: 00:00:27

Let's look up together to embrace a

motherhood full of freedom and joy.

10

: 00:00:34

This is the again, podcast

from a Trusted Ministries.

11

: 00:00:36

I'm Stephanie Hickox, and today we are so

blessed to have part two of an interview

12

: 00:00:40

with Emily and Jake deal regarding their

son's testimony walking with A DHD, and

13

: 00:00:45

it is full of biblical redemptive hope.

14

: 00:00:47

They're near enough to remember

the struggle and exactly how

15

: 00:00:50

hard it was, but right now.

16

: 00:00:52

They're seeing the redemptive hand

of the Lord at work in their family.

17

: 00:00:55

They're the perfect people to

encourage us not to give up.

18

: 00:00:57

Often you don't need

someone with lofty advice.

19

: 00:01:00

You need someone who walked

through the trenches and can say,

20

: 00:01:03

you will see the goodness of the

Lord in the land of the living.

21

: 00:01:06

Hold onto his word, persevere and

get to the heart of your children.

22

: 00:01:09

This interview is absolutely

tangible, yet rooted in truth.

23

: 00:01:12

If you didn't catch Part one yet, I'll

link that in the show notes so you can

24

: 00:01:15

make sure that you hear both parts of

this testimony of hope Regarding A DHD.

25

: 00:01:20

When you decided to have been diagnosed,

did you tell him and how did you

26

: 00:01:24

talk to him about his diagnosis?

27

: 00:01:26

Emily/Jake: Oh, that's a good question.

28

: 00:01:28

I don't think we necessarily talk to

him directly about it I remember we were

29

: 00:01:33

careful 'cause we didn't want to make

him feel badly about it as if it was yes.

30

: 00:01:38

Like there he was broken.

31

: 00:01:39

Yes.

32

: 00:01:39

Yes.

33

: 00:01:39

Or something was wrong with him.

34

: 00:01:40

There was a lot more vindication

for us as parents that there was a

35

: 00:01:44

reason that what we were doing wasn't

effective and it wasn't his fault.

36

: 00:01:49

And so we were very careful in

how we had that conversation.

37

: 00:01:53

' cause we didn't wanna necessarily give

him canon fodder for excuse making.

38

: 00:01:57

Yes.

39

: 00:01:57

But we also didn't want him to continue

to think that he was a problem.

40

: 00:02:01

He was broken.

41

: 00:02:02

He was different than everybody else.

42

: 00:02:04

Everyone else was

succeeding in this class.

43

: 00:02:06

And he was the only one who was failing.

44

: 00:02:08

There was a reason, and the reason

wasn't attributed to him, per se.

45

: 00:02:14

And I remember that.

46

: 00:02:15

I remember having that conversation and

he was aware, he knew that he wasn't

47

: 00:02:21

processing information the same or.

48

: 00:02:23

Memorizing for a test

or whatever the case is.

49

: 00:02:26

He knew that it wasn't the same for him.

50

: 00:02:29

And he welcomed the idea of getting help.

51

: 00:02:33

But Jake's right, we were very

careful not to make him feel that

52

: 00:02:37

he was an adequate or that's why

we were searching for answers.

53

: 00:02:41

So we held that really gently

because we didn't want him to

54

: 00:02:44

feel that we thought any less of

him because we certainly did not.

55

: 00:02:49

Yep.

56

: 00:02:49

Stephanie: That's so insightful of you

to protect him in that way while because

57

: 00:02:54

you were still able to adjust and to

equip him well without him understanding

58

: 00:02:59

really why a change was needed.

59

: 00:03:01

Emily/Jake: Correct.

60

: 00:03:02

Because initially what it would

look like for him is, once we had

61

: 00:03:05

the diagnosis, we were able to

get assistance from the school in

62

: 00:03:08

modifying some of his assignments.

63

: 00:03:10

And making it a little bit more feasible.

64

: 00:03:12

Maybe that looked like him doing half

of the math homework as everyone else

65

: 00:03:15

because we were spending two hours

a night just doing math homework.

66

: 00:03:20

And for, someone who's in first,

second, or third grade, that is a

67

: 00:03:24

ton of time doing math homework.

68

: 00:03:26

And so if we could cut that down to

no more than an hour that's gonna

69

: 00:03:30

be able to do a lot more for him.

70

: 00:03:32

And, when it came to test taking

being able to read the instructions

71

: 00:03:36

on the page and then apply that

through seven different problems down

72

: 00:03:40

the sheet was a challenge for him.

73

: 00:03:42

So sometimes he needed someone to read

him the question so he could hear it

74

: 00:03:46

and go, oh, I know the answer to that.

75

: 00:03:47

It's this and just explaining it

to him so that he knew that, hey,

76

: 00:03:52

if you get called outta class.

77

: 00:03:54

And they're asking you questions

from your math homework.

78

: 00:03:58

This is why they're doing that.

79

: 00:03:59

Just so he knew that he wasn't in

trouble, he didn't do anything wrong.

80

: 00:04:02

It was really just to help put

him on an even playing field as

81

: 00:04:05

everyone else in the classroom.

82

: 00:04:07

Yes.

83

: 00:04:07

And I would say also the

school was very supportive.

84

: 00:04:12

And we had a teacher that kind

of went with Ben every grade.

85

: 00:04:17

And helped him and she was just the best.

86

: 00:04:21

Having a school that really I'm not

going to say that there's no frustrations

87

: 00:04:26

ever, but overall that they're hearing

you out and working alongside you

88

: 00:04:30

was key to Ben being successful also.

89

: 00:04:35

Along with all of the accommodations,

but just that they held him really,, in

90

: 00:04:39

high regard, they held him very gently

and they just really worked with him.

91

: 00:04:44

And I would say along the way,

we've always felt that way.

92

: 00:04:47

So if you're able to have

them in a place that you are

93

: 00:04:51

supported it really helps a lot.

94

: 00:04:54

Stephanie: Have you had environments

even with believers, that you feel

95

: 00:04:58

like they're not quite getting.

96

: 00:04:59

The legitimate struggle that he has.

97

: 00:05:02

Emily/Jake: Yes.

98

: 00:05:02

To put it simply, he ended up repeating

kindergarten at a different school.

99

: 00:05:07

Cause , our first school he was at

was gonna push him onto first grade

100

: 00:05:11

and he couldn't recite the alphabet.

101

: 00:05:13

Sometimes he knew colors, sometimes not

counting numbers was still a struggle.

102

: 00:05:18

And I, I didn't remember what all I

knew when I went out of kindergarten,

103

: 00:05:21

but they were trying to reassure

us that it was all gonna be just

104

: 00:05:24

fine, it was all gonna be okay.

105

: 00:05:26

And

106

: 00:05:26

As parents were feeling like, maybe

something's a little off here.

107

: 00:05:29

That's where we explored a second

school and we figured out that

108

: 00:05:32

there were some challenges.

109

: 00:05:34

Definitely was not on point

to be moving into first grade.

110

: 00:05:37

And that was gonna be okay.

111

: 00:05:38

Stephanie: That was wise.

112

: 00:05:40

As Ben struggled academically and even

though you were seeing some progress,

113

: 00:05:45

how did you keep your eyes on eternity

and the plans that the Lord had

114

: 00:05:48

for him while also just struggling?

115

: 00:05:51

'cause you're trying to set him

up for success for the real world.

116

: 00:05:54

Emily/Jake: There were a lot.

117

: 00:05:55

And when I say a lot, a lot

of pep talks along the way.

118

: 00:05:59

They weren't just pep talks,

they were like life talks.

119

: 00:06:03

Life

120

: 00:06:03

talks.

121

: 00:06:03

A lot of life talks with Ben.

122

: 00:06:05

Because if you have a child with a DHD

and they're going through the academic

123

: 00:06:10

process of school, more than likely

they're going to feel like failures

124

: 00:06:16

nine times out of 10 because they're

looking at their peers and everything

125

: 00:06:20

else is so easy or appears to be.

126

: 00:06:23

And for them, they've had to work

and work and may not even get to

127

: 00:06:28

a great place but it's their best.

128

: 00:06:30

And we were constantly reminding him God

has a plan, there is life beyond this.

129

: 00:06:38

And beyond this God also has a plan.

130

: 00:06:40

And also during all of that, we sought

out to see what his gifts were and

131

: 00:06:46

we really encouraged him to pursue

those gifts even while in school.

132

: 00:06:51

We saw really early on that

building was just easy for Ben

133

: 00:06:55

and he was extremely gifted in it.

134

: 00:06:58

And so we encouraged activities that

we knew would build his confidence.

135

: 00:07:04

And while he was working so

hard and struggling in one area,

136

: 00:07:07

he could excel in building.

137

: 00:07:09

And so we really encouraged

him in that area.

138

: 00:07:11

Yeah.

139

: 00:07:12

When Ben was young, I actually had a

change in my own career and started

140

: 00:07:16

down a road of employee training.

141

: 00:07:18

And, I've been in learning and

development now for 15 years.

142

: 00:07:22

And so in those early years I was

learning what corporate learning

143

: 00:07:26

and development was all about.

144

: 00:07:28

And I was learning about the

way that different adults

145

: 00:07:31

learn and how all that works.

146

: 00:07:33

And so the Lord was actually using

my career to help me understand

147

: 00:07:37

a little bit more about my son.

148

: 00:07:39

And because there's no magic thing

that happens when people, turn 18

149

: 00:07:42

years old, that all of a sudden

now that they're an adult, they're

150

: 00:07:45

gonna learn differently, right?,

151

: 00:07:46

There are different learning

styles and different things

152

: 00:07:48

work for different people.

153

: 00:07:49

It's just how we're wired and

we don't make light of that

154

: 00:07:53

necessarily when they are an adult.

155

: 00:07:55

Instead we try to accommodate it

by offering training to adults

156

: 00:07:58

in lots of different ways.

157

: 00:08:00

Maybe it's videos, maybe it's

somebody actually teaching you

158

: 00:08:03

or a podcast or whatever, right?

159

: 00:08:05

But as a child, there's not

always those same opportunities.

160

: 00:08:09

It's the same.

161

: 00:08:10

The teacher's just providing lecture.

162

: 00:08:12

You're reading, you're doing some, and not

all of that is gonna necessarily connect.,

163

: 00:08:16

One example that started us, I think

down the path of understanding his

164

: 00:08:20

gifting was one night we were struggling

through trying to teach fractions and

165

: 00:08:26

we were probably on, it seemed like

night: 1000

166

: 00:08:30

And it was just not, it

was just not working.

167

: 00:08:33

We, he was not understanding fractions,

but I had an aha moment and I went and got

168

: 00:08:37

some Legos and he loved building legos.

169

: 00:08:40

And so I used Lego bricks and stacking

of Lego bricks to help him understand.

170

: 00:08:45

The correlation between fractions

and there was the, as he stacked

171

: 00:08:49

them up and he, two and four and

eight and he stacked 'em all up.

172

: 00:08:52

But all of a sudden it was this massive

aha moment for him connecting Lego bricks.

173

: 00:08:56

And I saw how then he would

work with them in his hand Yeah.

174

: 00:08:59

As he was solving problems.

175

: 00:09:01

And there was a bit of an aha moment for

me that he's using his hands to learn.

176

: 00:09:05

And so he's a real tactile learner.

177

: 00:09:08

And so anytime from then on that

we were doing math, if there was

178

: 00:09:11

a way that I could explain it to

him while we were doing homework

179

: 00:09:15

and I could incorporate his hands,

180

: 00:09:17

We had a greater chance of success

than if I was just trying to

181

: 00:09:21

explain it to him differently.

182

: 00:09:23

Stephanie: And it's hard to make

those adjustments as parents

183

: 00:09:26

because we know how we learned best.

184

: 00:09:28

And you're thinking.

185

: 00:09:29

Surely if I just teach you in that

really clear way that I learned

186

: 00:09:32

Emily/Jake: That's right.

187

: 00:09:33

Stephanie: But that's wonderful that

the Lord is using your career to

188

: 00:09:36

give you those epiphanies at home.

189

: 00:09:38

There's a lot of debate about this,

but I'm curious how you felt led to

190

: 00:09:43

handle the medication issue with Ben

191

: 00:09:45

Emily/Jake: yeah, it's a fair question.

192

: 00:09:46

We tried it initially after

the diagnosis and I think.

193

: 00:09:51

Did we wait a little bit or

did we try it right away?

194

: 00:09:53

We hesitantly tried it right away.

195

: 00:09:55

We hesitantly tried it right away.

196

: 00:09:56

Yes.

197

: 00:09:56

We didn't last very long, obviously.

198

: 00:09:58

We didn't like the way that it

was changing his personality.

199

: 00:10:02

It essentially took this lively,

excited boy, and it turned

200

: 00:10:05

him into a shell of, himself.

201

: 00:10:08

He was very quiet, very

non-reactive to anything.

202

: 00:10:11

It just, we didn't like

the way that looked.

203

: 00:10:13

So we made a conscious decision

that we weren't going to pursue

204

: 00:10:17

medication for him until he was older.

205

: 00:10:20

And if it was something that he was

desiring to try and he could communicate

206

: 00:10:25

a little bit better with us on how he

was feeling, how it was helping him,

207

: 00:10:29

not helping him, so on and so forth.

208

: 00:10:31

So that, we did know though that

sort of a conscious decision

209

: 00:10:34

was gonna come at a cost.

210

: 00:10:35

And we were gonna have to augment a lot

more structure and things of that nature,

211

: 00:10:41

including patients into into his every day

in order to help him continue to succeed.

212

: 00:10:47

\ Stephanie: Perhaps the Lord used those

side effects to infuse you with a little

213

: 00:10:51

bit of patience and endurance and to

say, no, this is worth it because we

214

: 00:10:55

wanna keep all of the wonderful parts of

215

: 00:10:57

Emily/Jake: Mm-hmm.

216

: 00:10:57

Stephanie: And did he ever

communicate that he wanted that?

217

: 00:11:00

Emily/Jake: he did ask about it

again once he got to high school.

218

: 00:11:04

Yes.

219

: 00:11:05

To high school.

220

: 00:11:06

And so he, he was willing to give

it a try again and better much

221

: 00:11:10

more mature, interactions with

the medication, at that point?

222

: 00:11:13

Stephanie: And that's helped him be

successful from what you've seen?

223

: 00:11:16

Emily/Jake: Yes.

224

: 00:11:17

Yes.

225

: 00:11:17

Stephanie: Now that we're talking

about him being older, there is a

226

: 00:11:20

book called your Teenager's Not Crazy

and just we know a little bit more

227

: 00:11:23

about the brain that a lot of it is

under construction till kids are 25.

228

: 00:11:27

How do you isolate?

229

: 00:11:29

Is this a DHD, is this a teenage boy?

230

: 00:11:32

Are these hormones?

231

: 00:11:33

There can be a lot of things going on

and how do you know what you're dealing

232

: 00:11:36

with and how do you still make sure

you're getting to the heart of the issue?

233

: 00:11:39

Emily/Jake: I would say that

communication is the greatest asset

234

: 00:11:44

that a parent has when trying to

uncover anything about their child.

235

: 00:11:49

Yes.

236

: 00:11:50

Where their heart is at.

237

: 00:11:51

Whether it's oriented in the right

direction, whether something is

238

: 00:11:56

being done willfully or habitually.

239

: 00:11:59

If there's more going on that

meets the eye, all of that can be

240

: 00:12:03

fleshed out through communication

241

: 00:12:05

Or lack thereof.

242

: 00:12:07

If there's a kind of them shutting down

and not wanting to communicate, wanting

243

: 00:12:11

to spend more time in isolation, that

could be an indicator that there's

244

: 00:12:15

something they're struggling with.

245

: 00:12:16

Doesn't always mean that's the case.

246

: 00:12:18

But it could mean, right?

247

: 00:12:19

Good communication is a great litmus

test for a whole lot of things.

248

: 00:12:23

And so having a conversation, especially

after the moment is passed, right?

249

: 00:12:29

And we can sit and we can talk

for a little bit about it.

250

: 00:12:31

We're not angry, we're not

irritated, we just want to

251

: 00:12:33

understand why you did this thing.

252

: 00:12:35

And if there's an honest, I have no idea.

253

: 00:12:38

Why I did that.

254

: 00:12:39

I just did it and I didn't think about it.

255

: 00:12:41

That's obviously separating out

that, okay, that was clearly

256

: 00:12:44

something that was impulsive.

257

: 00:12:46

And there was often when we had

those conversations, it became

258

: 00:12:49

pretty apparent because there

would be tears of frustration.

259

: 00:12:53

I don't know why I do this.

260

: 00:12:54

Yes, I don't wanna do that, but I just it

happens before I'm even thinking about it.

261

: 00:12:58

Stephanie: Mm-hmm.

262

: 00:12:59

Emily/Jake: that would be an opportunity

for us to gently remind that.

263

: 00:13:02

This has to do with your impulsivity,

264

: 00:13:04

And we're working on getting that under

control, but we're gonna be patient

265

: 00:13:08

with you as you figure that out.

266

: 00:13:09

But let's talk about what we

could do next time to, yeah.

267

: 00:13:12

And just redirect it back and never

disciplining for inconvenience for

268

: 00:13:18

expectations that I never clearly stated

or as we mentioned earlier, instructions

269

: 00:13:24

given way too far in the past,

270

: 00:13:25

Absolutely essential for us.

271

: 00:13:27

Mm-hmm.

272

: 00:13:28

Stephanie: I'm definitely hearing the

full circle from Entrusted You're getting

273

: 00:13:32

to the heart and I think sometimes it's

just hard to not focus on the behavior,

274

: 00:13:37

but the Lord is so beyond behavior and I

think about how he was patient with Peter,

275

: 00:13:43

and even when Peter denied him, just so

patient to see, I know who you can be and

276

: 00:13:50

I know who you're going to become, and I'm

not going to be derailed by this setback.

277

: 00:13:55

Or I can use it for my glory.

278

: 00:13:57

You mentioned the word habitual and

sometimes with a DHD there is that

279

: 00:14:02

tendency to seek dopamine whether

it's the foods that they want to

280

: 00:14:06

eat or technology habits, how have

you handled habitual impulsivity?

281

: 00:14:13

Emily/Jake: I feel like this

is where structure comes in.

282

: 00:14:15

And this is where daily

routine and structure has a

283

: 00:14:19

strong hand in guiding them.

284

: 00:14:22

A child who struggles with

impulsivity, a let's say a teenager.

285

: 00:14:25

'Cause I think that's more the age we're

talking about right now, that struggles

286

: 00:14:29

with impulsivity is not going to do

good with hours of unaccounted for time.

287

: 00:14:35

Hundred percent.

288

: 00:14:35

They will find something to do.

289

: 00:14:38

And it's probably not going to be good.

290

: 00:14:41

That's where the heavy

structure would come in.

291

: 00:14:43

And not that we were

running our home militantly.

292

: 00:14:46

But just making sure that, there

were things that were redemptive

293

: 00:14:51

and constructive going on

for Ben to plug himself into.

294

: 00:14:55

Stephanie: That's so insightful of you

because a lot of parents could think,

295

: 00:14:59

they're stuck in a desk all day at school.

296

: 00:15:01

I just wanna give them freedom on

the weekends or in the evening.

297

: 00:15:05

So how do you work that out,

especially in an older child?

298

: 00:15:08

Emily/Jake: Yeah.

299

: 00:15:09

So as a younger child, it was

easier to enforce limitations.

300

: 00:15:12

You can be on the iPad playing games

in the living room where we can see

301

: 00:15:16

you, you can do that for no more

than maybe it was an hour a day,

302

: 00:15:20

And after the hour was up,

that it was up and it's back on

303

: 00:15:23

tomorrow, you can cry about it.

304

: 00:15:25

You can pitch a fit, but you remember

that it was an hour and you chose to use

305

: 00:15:29

it all this morning at 9:00 AM So sorry,

306

: 00:15:31

Stephanie: Yeah.

307

: 00:15:31

Emily/Jake: Um, and so then it

became like, what else can we do?

308

: 00:15:34

Let's get your matchbox cars out.

309

: 00:15:36

Let's get the Legos out.

310

: 00:15:38

Lincoln logs.

311

: 00:15:39

Lincoln logs start using

your hands, build something.

312

: 00:15:41

And pretty soon he would

get captivated by that.

313

: 00:15:44

And that meant we had to be

okay tripping over some Yes.

314

: 00:15:46

Lincoln log forts that were

built in the living room.

315

: 00:15:49

Yes.

316

: 00:15:50

Or that we had to leave them because

he was gonna come back and build

317

: 00:15:52

onto them that, that's right.

318

: 00:15:53

So you have to be patient with

the messes, but with builders.

319

: 00:15:56

But yeah, as so young, I would say

elementary age, it's just simply,

320

: 00:16:00

enforce the structure and redirect

when they get to middle school there's

321

: 00:16:04

definitely a need to incorporate a

lot more activity, a lot more exercise

322

: 00:16:09

and that, that can help as well.

323

: 00:16:11

Where I think it becomes the

most problematic is when parents.

324

: 00:16:16

Well intended try to avoid it altogether.

325

: 00:16:20

We're just not gonna have any

technology in the house, or we're

326

: 00:16:22

just not gonna allow any sugar

or any, and you can do that.

327

: 00:16:26

But it becomes a whole

different frustration point.

328

: 00:16:30

Then teaching them how to

regulate it in a proper way.

329

: 00:16:35

Because then as soon as mom and

dad aren't around, there's gonna

330

: 00:16:39

be this like, I'm gonna get all the

candy I can get and eat myself sick.

331

: 00:16:43

Because they're not around.

332

: 00:16:45

Yeah.

333

: 00:16:45

And we had phrases that we would commonly

use as most parents do, as Jake was

334

: 00:16:49

talking through that, I thought a

perfect example would be, we would often

335

: 00:16:53

say Ben,, that's becoming obsessive.

336

: 00:16:55

You're obsessing over that.

337

: 00:16:56

And because often it's easy

for them to become fixated.

338

: 00:17:00

And so I remember when Ben

was probably early middle

339

: 00:17:04

school maybe a little younger.

340

: 00:17:06

We had gone home and we had gone to

a outdoor theater with my parents

341

: 00:17:12

and they were acting out a story.

342

: 00:17:14

And in the gift shop they

were selling cap guns.

343

: 00:17:18

And so there were no caps.

344

: 00:17:19

It was just the cap gun.

345

: 00:17:21

My parents got van little cap gun,

and before the show got started.

346

: 00:17:26

My dad was sitting beside Ben,

and Ben was just click click,

347

: 00:17:29

clicking off his little cap gun.

348

: 00:17:30

And so my dad still laughs about this to

this day, but finally Ben said, Pappy,

349

: 00:17:36

will you just take this cap gun from me?

350

: 00:17:37

I'm just becoming really

obsessive about this.

351

: 00:17:40

And so in that moment he became

aware oh my goodness, I can't stop

352

: 00:17:44

clicking off this little cap gun.

353

: 00:17:46

And so we would often use phrases

like that and it was such a cool

354

: 00:17:50

thing when we saw them connected.

355

: 00:17:52

Oh, now he's self-regulating.

356

: 00:17:54

Probably not as, as soon as

we wanted him to but he was.

357

: 00:17:58

And so those were like the little

glimmers of hope when we saw that

358

: 00:18:01

in them, like connecting the dots.

359

: 00:18:03

Yep,

360

: 00:18:04

Stephanie: Sure.

361

: 00:18:05

What would structure look like, like

on a Saturday as they get older?

362

: 00:18:09

Emily/Jake: Again, as younger child,

there's probably structure that the

363

: 00:18:12

parent is implementing on the child.

364

: 00:18:16

'Cause there's things that

as a parent you have to do.

365

: 00:18:17

Maybe there's another sibling

who has a sports game you're

366

: 00:18:19

gonna go to, there's some chores

we need to do around the house.

367

: 00:18:23

Maybe it's some grocery shopping.

368

: 00:18:24

Trying to incorporate them in.

369

: 00:18:26

Some of that helps to yes.

370

: 00:18:28

Eliminate the dead space.

371

: 00:18:31

Gonna come with some inconveniences.

372

: 00:18:32

Yes.

373

: 00:18:33

But it does help to eliminate

the dead space in the day

374

: 00:18:35

that can be used incorrectly.

375

: 00:18:38

Then as they get older, you can start

the transition to allowing them to

376

: 00:18:44

choose how to fill certain chunks

of time throughout their weekend.

377

: 00:18:48

Reinforcing that there are chores they

need to do, cleaning their own room.

378

: 00:18:52

Organizing their laundry, putting things

away, studying for school things, all

379

: 00:18:57

of that, and helping them block their

time correctly so that they do have time

380

: 00:19:02

to get everything done, but that they

also have time that they can choose what

381

: 00:19:06

they want to do with, some free time.

382

: 00:19:08

I wanna watch some more of that show.

383

: 00:19:10

I've been watching I want to play

some video games and things like that.

384

: 00:19:14

But just setting structure

around even that.

385

: 00:19:17

What games are they playing?

386

: 00:19:19

Are they allowed to interact

with strangers online,

387

: 00:19:22

during game sessions or not?

388

: 00:19:23

All those are types of decisions

that parents will have to make and

389

: 00:19:27

be aware of that they need to make to

help set their child up for success.

390

: 00:19:31

And then as they get into the high school

years, it's more, again, they're gonna

391

: 00:19:35

get to the point where it's self-directed.

392

: 00:19:36

It should be.

393

: 00:19:37

Easier for them to do, but it'll be

less and less parents involved and

394

: 00:19:41

more independently owned as they get

older into the high school years.

395

: 00:19:45

And also I would say it helps if

you are able to have them have

396

: 00:19:50

friends who are like-minded.

397

: 00:19:51

So when Ben was young I had

fantastic friends and they

398

: 00:19:56

were very like-minded moms.

399

: 00:19:58

And we knew we didn't want our

sons sitting at home investing

400

: 00:20:01

hours into video games.

401

: 00:20:03

And so in the summer, they would

do camp outs on, in each other's

402

: 00:20:07

yards and build forts and ride

their bikes around the neighborhood.

403

: 00:20:11

And also creating a space for

them to do those things and.

404

: 00:20:15

I think sometimes we shy away from it

because it's inconvenient for us to

405

: 00:20:20

open our homes and let that happen.

406

: 00:20:22

But those are some of the

fondest memories I have.

407

: 00:20:25

And so just providing a space for

them to do those things that are more

408

: 00:20:30

tactile and more experiential rather

than just sitting and being dormant.

409

: 00:20:35

Stephanie: And sometimes when those

kids are struggling with impulsivity or

410

: 00:20:39

behavior issues, withhold responsibility

and freedom, and yet those are often

411

: 00:20:45

the activities that they need to thrive

412

: 00:20:47

Emily/Jake: yes.

413

: 00:20:48

Yeah.

414

: 00:20:48

Responsibility and freedom are

not all or nothing conversations.

415

: 00:20:51

It's always age appropriate.

416

: 00:20:53

And ability appropriate as well.

417

: 00:20:55

Stephanie: I am thinking about Ben's

younger sister, Evelyn, and I know she's

418

: 00:20:59

just a very, capable young woman and

often girls can develop at a different

419

: 00:21:04

pace have you had circumstances

where it's okay, even though Ben is

420

: 00:21:08

older now, they're gonna get this

same opportunity at the same time.

421

: 00:21:13

How do you parent and do what's

right for each child, even though

422

: 00:21:17

it might feel unfair to the kids?

423

: 00:21:20

Emily/Jake: Oh yeah, maybe you

have a different example, but for

424

: 00:21:22

me the first thing that comes to

mind is when they got cell phones.

425

: 00:21:26

Yes.

426

: 00:21:26

Yes.

427

: 00:21:26

That's a great example.

428

: 00:21:27

Ben didn't get a cell phone

until he was into high school,

429

: 00:21:31

His sister would've been, couple

years behind him in school.

430

: 00:21:34

Yeah.

431

: 00:21:34

Three years behind him,

three years behind in school.

432

: 00:21:36

And she got her phone

a few months after him,

433

: 00:21:40

There was some frustration that

he felt some kind of way about

434

: 00:21:43

that and let us know as much.

435

: 00:21:45

But then when we had the

conversation, we brought him back.

436

: 00:21:47

Do you think you would've been ready

for the responsibility of owning a

437

: 00:21:50

cell phone and having it on you at

all times when you were her age?

438

: 00:21:54

Oh, yeah.

439

: 00:21:54

No, I was not ready for that.

440

: 00:21:55

Okay.

441

: 00:21:56

Well,

442

: 00:21:56

Stephanie: Uhhuh.

443

: 00:21:57

Emily/Jake: Then he realized

like, okay, this isn't a,

444

: 00:22:00

everybody has to do at this age.

445

: 00:22:02

It's everybody needs to do it when

they're ready for that responsibility.

446

: 00:22:05

Yes.

447

: 00:22:06

We've said many times, different

opportunities at different times,

448

: 00:22:09

and, they learned really quickly and

early on that everything isn't always

449

: 00:22:14

fair and even, so yeah, I feel like

we implemented that really early.

450

: 00:22:19

Stephanie: You've mentioned several

times that the Lord has given

451

: 00:22:21

Ben a gift of using his hands.

452

: 00:22:23

How is Ben thriving in

that area right now?

453

: 00:22:27

Or how do you see occupationally

where God might take him?

454

: 00:22:30

Emily/Jake: It was so fun his senior year.

455

: 00:22:32

He worked after school and

just working with his hands.

456

: 00:22:36

And then after he graduated

first let me go back.

457

: 00:22:40

So in his senior year, they all had

to give a verse that was their senior

458

: 00:22:46

verse, and he was on homecoming

court, and as they're walking out on

459

: 00:22:50

homecoming court they have to give

them a verse that is dear to them.

460

: 00:22:54

Ben's verse was First

Thessalonians four 11, make it

461

: 00:22:59

your ambition to lead a quiet life.

462

: 00:23:01

You should mind your own business

and work with your hands.

463

: 00:23:04

And that has become really

the theme of his life.

464

: 00:23:08

He works right now at our church

and they're doing a lot of demo.

465

: 00:23:12

And so right now he's doing a

lot of tearing down and building

466

: 00:23:15

and he's pursuing that route.

467

: 00:23:17

He'll definitely pursue the trades.

468

: 00:23:20

He's trying to figure out which

route he exactly wants to go, but

469

: 00:23:23

definitely working with his hands.

470

: 00:23:26

And we knew this early on, we knew that

would be the route that he would choose

471

: 00:23:31

with his hands, and we just spoken

to that as many times as we could.

472

: 00:23:36

And reminded him that beyond all of

this school and struggle and impulsivity

473

: 00:23:43

God has a greater plan for you, Ben.

474

: 00:23:45

And so we really leaned into that, working

with his hands, and he he's excelling

475

: 00:23:50

at it and he's just so incredible.

476

: 00:23:52

He's thinks creatively in ways that I

am not programmed to think he thinks

477

: 00:23:57

creatively and is able to come up with

solutions and work with his hands.

478

: 00:24:01

You just see god putting the puzzle of

their life together, like piece by piece.

479

: 00:24:07

And now we're at the point that we're just

cheering him on every step of the way.

480

: 00:24:12

And yes we're coaching and guiding

when he comes to us with questions.

481

: 00:24:18

But after years of investing into homework

and conversations with teachers and taking

482

: 00:24:25

him to events and play dates and all

the things now we get to cheer him on,

483

: 00:24:31

which is just an incredible place to be.

484

: 00:24:35

I said so many times when Ben graduates

we're just gonna throw the biggest

485

: 00:24:38

party because it was totally a family

event to get him to this place.

486

: 00:24:42

And he laughs with us, but, but God has

been so good in showing Ben, not just

487

: 00:24:48

us, but showing Ben his redemptive plan

in his ability to work with his hands.

488

: 00:24:53

Stephanie: You've been so

generous with your time.

489

: 00:24:55

I wanna end with what principles

from Entrusted really helped guide

490

: 00:25:00

you and encourage you , as you

sought it, to be diligent with Ben?

491

: 00:25:04

Emily/Jake: You put the question

out there and I thought like,

492

: 00:25:07

how do I choose, how do I choose?

493

: 00:25:09

Because the curriculum overall really

guided us and that's how just the

494

: 00:25:14

goodness of God plays into all of this.

495

: 00:25:17

At the time that we were just

really searching because sometimes

496

: 00:25:21

your tendency and discipline.

497

: 00:25:22

With kids like this is it's not

working, so, I'm going to just

498

: 00:25:26

step back and not do a lot.

499

: 00:25:28

And we knew that wasn't the answer,

but also we didn't know what to do.

500

: 00:25:31

And so God led us to this

at just the right time.

501

: 00:25:34

But I believe it's in lesson eight.

502

: 00:25:37

That Betsy talks about silver

platter moments and not being

503

: 00:25:41

discouraged when these things come up.

504

: 00:25:44

But rather when a meltdown

happens, when impulsivity rains

505

: 00:25:49

you can fill in the blank with

whatever you're struggling with.

506

: 00:25:51

When those moments come up, that

is God highlighting these areas

507

: 00:25:55

and handing them to you on a silver

platter and saying, these are areas

508

: 00:26:00

that you need to work through.

509

: 00:26:01

And so really investing in that

idea of silver platter moments

510

: 00:26:06

and pouring into Ben when all

of those things would come up.

511

: 00:26:10

And if you have a child with a

DHD, you have a lot of opportunity

512

: 00:26:14

for silver platter moments.

513

: 00:26:16

And so investing heavily in that.

514

: 00:26:18

I know we've talked about it so many

times on the podcast, but the full

515

: 00:26:22

circle which is in lesson 10, growing

in Christlikeness that really helped us

516

: 00:26:28

structure our discipline in a correct way.

517

: 00:26:31

Yeah.

518

: 00:26:31

Of coming full circle.

519

: 00:26:32

What does that mean?

520

: 00:26:33

And Jake even referenced earlier

conversation, having conversations with

521

: 00:26:38

our kids and understanding their heart.

522

: 00:26:40

And all of those principles

play into coming full circle.

523

: 00:26:45

And we came full circle many days,

a lot of days, many times a day.

524

: 00:26:50

And so this was really helpful there's

also, in that chapter as a little

525

: 00:26:55

quiz about exasperating children.

526

: 00:26:57

And so that was helpful because discerning

whether are we exasperating them?

527

: 00:27:02

Is this parent led?

528

: 00:27:03

Is this child led?

529

: 00:27:04

So being able to like, pull those

strands apart and understand that but

530

: 00:27:08

overall I feel like, Entrusted was

the anchor of our whole parenting.

531

: 00:27:14

The Entrusted curriculum really became

our anchor point blue, our blueprint

532

: 00:27:18

the playbook that we so often went to

533

: 00:27:20

for Practical suggestions on how

to implement different things,

534

: 00:27:25

Stephanie: Mm-hmm.

535

: 00:27:25

Emily/Jake: in so many regards.

536

: 00:27:27

Betsy talks about in one of

the chapters, never giving up

537

: 00:27:30

and that's I towards the end.

538

: 00:27:32

And just never giving up and

understanding God has a plan.

539

: 00:27:36

And he hands these moments

to us on silver platters and

540

: 00:27:40

they're not meant to discourage.

541

: 00:27:42

We are raising little

sinners just like we are.

542

: 00:27:45

And so embracing those moments and

just taking them full and giving

543

: 00:27:50

them back to God and just constantly

begging him for help and direction.

544

: 00:27:55

And there will be days that you will feel

like I'm failing so hard as a parent.

545

: 00:28:00

But God is so consistently kind and he

never leaves us in a place that he's not

546

: 00:28:06

with us and he's with us in our parenting.

547

: 00:28:09

And, I would just say to

parents, don't be discouraged.

548

: 00:28:12

God has given us our children for a reason

and no one can parent them like you.

549

: 00:28:18

So just keep seeking truth and investing

in them and never stop praying for them.

550

: 00:28:23

Stephanie: Such rich wisdom.

551

: 00:28:25

God's plan works in all situations.

552

: 00:28:28

We have to be faithful and steadfast

in it, not develop a new formula.

553

: 00:28:32

Thank you for your willingness

to be open and to share what God

554

: 00:28:35

has done and to breathe some hope

into what we can be praying for.

555

: 00:28:40

As we watch the Lord sanctify

us through this and our kids.

556

: 00:28:45

We know you're busy, mama.

557

: 00:28:46

So we are truly grateful you joined us for

this episode of again, if you're looking

558

: 00:28:51

for more information about building your

home on the foundation of Jesus Christ,

559

: 00:28:55

head to www dot Entrusted Ministries

dot com to learn more about our study

560

: 00:29:01

for moms Entrusted with a child's Heart.

561

: 00:29:03

This scripture saturated study

has blessed families around the

562

: 00:29:06

world, and we want it for you too.

563

: 00:29:08

Before you go, I want to pray this

benediction over you from Second

564

: 00:29:12

Thessalonians one 11 through 12.

565

: 00:29:15

We're rooting for you to this end.

566

: 00:29:17

We always pray for you that our God

may make you worthy of his calling and

567

: 00:29:22

may fulfill every resolve for good.

568

: 00:29:23

And every work of faith by his power

so that the name of our Lord Jesus

569

: 00:29:28

may be glorified in you and you

and Him according to the grace of

570

: 00:29:32

our God and the Lord Jesus Christ.

571

: 00:29:35

Amen.

572

: 00:29:36

Until we meet again.