Episode 106

#104. An ADHD Testimony of Hope for Discouraged, Exhausted Parents with Jacob and Emily Deyo | Part 1

It's not working.

It's not sinking in.

Nothing I do matters.

If you can relate to the lack of hope in these statements, this episode is for you. We're rewriting the script on ADHD and offering hope to parents that feel their biblical training isn't producing fruit. Emily and Jacob Deyo are masters of encouragement, intentionality, and wisdom--but they are truly relatable and honest!

Have you listened to our new Dwelling Place podcast yet? Let us help you make the Lord a priority on even the busiest of days! Find the free printable resources at www.entrustedministries.com/podcast.

Scripture Referenced: Psalm 139, Colossians 1:28-29

Transcript
Speaker:

They're the joyful agains our children.

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Shout on the swings, the exhausting

agains of cooking and laundry and

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the difficult agains of discipline.

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So much of what we do

as mothers is on repeat.

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So what if we woke up with clarity,

knowing which agains we were called to.

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And went to bed believing we are

faithful in what matters most.

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We believe God's word is

the key to untangle from the

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confusion and overwhelm we feel.

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Let's look up together to embrace a

motherhood full of freedom and joy.

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welcome to the Again podcast.

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I'm Stephanie Hickox, and this is

brought to you by Entrusted Ministries.

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Today I am joined by Emily and Jake Dio.

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This conversation has long been in the

works and I'm so thankful they were able

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to carve out the time to talk about a

confusing and kind of complicated topic.

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What do we do when we have these kiddos

that don't seem to fit into the box?

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You're following all of the biblical

guidelines and it just seems like

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it's not working as effectively as

it does with many other children.

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Today we're talking about A DHD.

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Of course, we're not claiming to be

doctors or experts, but we have the

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blessing of a testimony from parents

who now have a 19-year-old who's

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thriving in his walk with the Lord and

has found great places for his gifts.

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We're thrilled with the faithfulness

of the Lord in his life, and Emily

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and Jake have a little bit more

freedom to speak into this than

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someone who's still in the trenches.

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Jake, I've not had the honor of meeting

you before this in person, but I

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truly feel like I know you already,

because Emily speaks so highly and so

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frequently about the guidance and the

strength that you provide for her.

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I see such a rootedness in her

because of your leadership.

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And I just wanna thank you for

being one of the good guys.

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And thank you for sitting down with us

and providing hope for families that are

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going through this struggle right now.

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Emily/Jake: Thank you Stephanie.

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It's incredibly kind of you to say

and I'm grateful for an opportunity

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to share what I can on the topic

and hope, hope to be a blessing to

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other parents who might be dealing

with this for the first time as well.

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Stephanie: Can we start a little bit

with your story, Jake, a DHD wasn't

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diagnosed as much when we were kids.

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What did you feel like as a child?

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What were some struggles that you had?

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Emily/Jake: Sure.

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You are correct.

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This was not something that

was diagnosed formally for me

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actually until I was an adult.

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And it came as a byproduct of seeking

a diagnosis for our son who was having

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some challenges at school himself.

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And of course, one of the things

that the doctor had us do was

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to complete an evaluation.

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And I just saw for the first

time as I was answering these

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questions on behalf of my son.

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Wow.

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There's a lot of parallels

here that apply to me.

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I should probably talk to somebody about

this which was illuminating for sure.

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But because it wasn't something that was

diagnosed until I was an adult I largely

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existed then in the world of the unknown.

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So I didn't really know

what all it meant or how it.

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Manifested itself.

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There were definitely some struggles

and some frustrations that, that

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I had individually growing up.

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But the Lord was good and, allowed me

to overcome that and work through that.

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But it certainly as now as an adult

and understanding what A DHD is it has

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helped me reflect backwards on on my

life and to see some of those things.

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And that was actually one of the

things that helped when it came

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to parenting a child with A DHD

is understanding through that lens

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how the actions are tied into it.

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What's intentional versus

unintentional, things of that nature.

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Stephanie: That's such a key thing

I think it's difficult even battling

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shame because so many symptoms

of A DHD seem like sin choices.

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When you love someone so deeply

and you know your child's heart you

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see it through a different filter

and I can understand why that seems

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like a really sinful choice, but

actually that was rooted in impulse.

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And I know that if you give him one

minute, he's gonna repent and he is

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gonna tell you that's actually not

what he thinks or what he means.

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It's a tricky thing to want your

children to experience consequences for

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their actions and consistency there.

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And to be obedient and respectful,

but then also to give grace

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because it's such a struggle.

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Jake, how does your A DHD

manifest and what are some things

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that you've had to overcome?

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Emily/Jake: So a few things

definitely stand out.

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I would say there's four.

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For me personally, there were

four key areas that manifest.

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For my A DHD.

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First would be hyper focus.

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If something captures my attention.

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If it's in inherently interesting

for me I can sit down and work

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at a level of intensity that

can be a huge benefit at times.

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Each of these though could

also be a negative, right?

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If it's not interesting, it's very

difficult sometimes to get started doing

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a task, even though it's important to do.

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If it's not an interesting task or one

that excites me, I can't sit down and

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just, power all the way through it.

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The second way would be in

creativity and pattern recognition.

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My brain naturally connects dots and

sees relationships between ideas that

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don't look connected at first, and

it moves through it very quickly.

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And that's become a huge benefit

especially as I've gotten

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older and into adulthood.

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And that leads into the third one,

problem solving and adaptability.

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Being able to see solutions to problems

it very quickly is a huge benefit.

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And then the fourth one would

be the emotional side of it.

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The emotional intuition.

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There's a, an emotional.

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Intensity that can be challenging

as a kid but it can also

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become empathy as an adult.

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Yeah.

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So it's one of those things that with the

right help, with the right focus, with

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the right intentionality the things that

are seen largely in childhood as problems

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can actually be something redemptive.

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Because, what I want more than

anything is for parents to

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understand that God wastes nothing.

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So even the wiring of an A DHD mind

can be part of how he is protecting,

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shaping and redeeming that child.

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Psalms 1 39 reminds us that we are

fearfully and wonderfully made.

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So A DHD isn't an accident, it's part

of who God designed us to be, and

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he wants to use it for his glory.

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In ways that we can never expect

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Stephanie: All right.

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You already made me tear up a little bit.

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you.

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Emily/Jake: me.

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Stephanie: Thank you for that.

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And thank you for speaking

of it in such a hopeful way.

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I read something the other day that

said, in a hunter Gather society,

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this would be a problem at all.

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This would be elevated.

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And as you were speaking, I was

thinking about these are why you're

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able to lead your family so well.

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A, a lot of what you shared, it makes

sense of the patterns that you see

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and the way that you solve problems.

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And I think we need to keep

that hope in mind, don't we?

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And how have you sought to have victory

over the potential pitfalls of A DHD?

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How, what has that looked like in

marriage, in work now in family?

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Emily/Jake: sure.

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So the main challenges that, that I

had if you wanna call it or define

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it more as like symptoms, right?

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Being distracted.

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Being impulsive, that emotional intensity.

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I mentioned about earlier forgetfulness

that by itself was definitely frustrating

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at many different intervals of my life.

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And to this day, it can still be,

especially when there's something

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I want to do or need to do.

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I need to clean the garage.

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It's not interesting and I can't

make myself do it because I

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can't overcome that component.

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So there are still some things I have

to deal with, but having the awareness,

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having the understanding of where

I'm at bringing it out into the open

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has afforded me the opportunity to

shore up the gaps that I know I have.

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And I can shore that up in

a number of different ways.

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But it just bringing it

to an awareness standpoint

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Stephanie: Mm-hmm.

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Emily/Jake: A great first step

and a very important first step.

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Stephanie: And then Emily, what has that

looked like for you to be aware, to be

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gracious in those things, but also to

be a strong helper for your husband.

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Mm-hmm.

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Mm-hmm.

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Emily/Jake: Can lean on one another's

strengths where he is so good.

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I am not.

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And so I've learned that a lot of

that is strength that I can lean into.

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And just studying one another and

learning the strengths of the other and

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giving them space to work that through.

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Although I don't have A-D-H-D-I know

that I certainly have my faults.

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And so understanding that

though, that may bring some.

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Obstacles to work through.

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That all I have my own that

I'm also working through, and

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that I ask for patience as the

Lord, works that out in my life.

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So I feel like it's no different

, you just keep extending patience

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and love to one another.

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And you would do that anyway in

a marriage regardless of that.

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A DHD.

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Stephanie: Sure.

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That's a new way to compliment

each other Jake, did you see

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any benefit to this as a child?

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Did this help you in any way growing up?

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Emily/Jake: Yes, in, in two very

different and very distinct ways.

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The first would be.

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Through the typical routine the

consequence would be I would often

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forget about assignments being

due, homework tests, et cetera.

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But the ability to now feel the pressure

of the timeline allowed me to hyper focus

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and knock the assignment out real quick.

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From a testing standpoint, the

challenges for me were that I

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couldn't always get myself to sit

down and just memorize rote material.

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Tough to do, but I did learn a lot

from the lectures in the classroom the

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slides, taking notes, things like that.

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And I was a decent student.

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I was an AB student all throughout

school and I really didn't have to.

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Study at all that hard because

I would often remember things

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just from the classroom situation

or the teacher presenting the

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material to us the first time.

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So that was helpful.

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The second way and very different

way that I would say it helped me

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was if there were traumatic things

that I experienced as a child.

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The distractibility became an asset in

that the more that time elapsed from the

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event that occurred, the less it affected

me and the less connected to what I felt.

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Now as an adult, I understand

that's known as object permanence.

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If something is right here in front of

you something that you're dealing with or

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around a lot, you can easily remember it.

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But if you don't.

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Interact with a person, a friend, an

acquaintance, very frequently that

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distance will create a fading in the

relationship, so likewise as a kid,

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the distance from the event would cause

it to fade in my memory, and so would

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the, emotional effects and things.

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So I gained an ability to be really

resilient because of the fact that I

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could forget and move on from things.

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Now that did create a problem and this

is where parents can help shepherd their

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children a little bit because I wouldn't

always connect certain events together

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if they didn't happen close enough.

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I'll give you an example.

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My dad was a school teacher, a

Christian school teacher, and.

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There was a young man who was upset at

something that happened in, in school.

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He was several years older than me and I

was in elementary school, and I remember

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he sought me out after school one day

and made some comment about I bet you

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haven't even memorized your address yet.

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And so to prove him wrong, right?

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I just recited my address out to him

and never thinking like, why would this,

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this boy who is four or five years older

than me even want this information.

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You don't stop and

consider or think, right?

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The reality was he wanted to come

egg our house over the weekend and,

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that's why he wanted our address.

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He wanted to know where we lived, right?

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I had no idea.

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Stephanie: wow.

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Emily/Jake: So not connecting always when

people want to use information negatively

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or things of that nature, you just don't

connect all those dots together as much.

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And that's where wisdom as parents.

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In helping their children like,

understand that not everyone has your

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best interest in mind is a really

important conversation to have and

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to reiterate on a regular basis.

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Stephanie: That's a really

fascinating reflection that

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you've had and understanding.

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that has protected you from trauma in

some ways or just from difficult memories.

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That's a very new insight that

I think is really neat that the

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Lord would use it to protect you.

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You mentioned that all of these

experiences that you've had and

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just understanding yourself have

really helped you to parent Ben.

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And we know that you were in the

process of seeking a diagnosis, but,

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let's rewind a little bit to, what

were the early years like with Ben?

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Emily/Jake: Exhausting.

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They were completely and utterly

exhausting and he was our first.

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So with as with your first, you have

nothing to compare it to or gauge it

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by, and that is your only experience.

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So we were parenting the best we

could having no understanding of that.

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This was working in the background.

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And so in those early years

it was very exhausting.

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And this is where the gift

of having just a multitude of

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counselors in your life comes in.

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You just see God's work at hand.

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Ben was young and if I'm recalling

correctly, he was probably two or three.

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And my mom, who just adores our

kids, she had said to me and he was

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a first grandchild also, but she had

been around children her whole life.

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She was a nanny and she nannied

for this very sweet and dear lady

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who was a who was a psychiatrist.

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And she said.

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Emily, I think maybe you should consider

that Ben might have a D, HD and I.

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I, that was never even

a thought in my mind.

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And so that seed was planted probably,

I'm going to say around three.

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Would you say?

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That sounds right?

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Yeah, I don't think so.

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Yeah.

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Around three years old.

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And so we really started

to to dig into it.

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But it was exhausting.

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It was it was a lot of repeating

ourselves, and our world with Ben

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was 100% driven by impulsivity.

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In those early years, you're just doing

a lot of, disciplining and structuring

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your home . Discipline structure.

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And I think during, before we

understood what was going on, we just

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kept thinking like, we need to do

this more and we need to try harder.

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Not realizing that this was at play,

so impulsivity rained and we felt, I

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don't know if Jake felt this way because

he was working so hard at his job.

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And I was at home with Ben.

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And I honestly, I felt like

failure because I thought,

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I'm not connecting with him.

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Whatever I'm doing to

discipline isn't working.

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And when I say this, people

laugh now because if Ben this

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is just not him, but it's true.

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I went to sleep many nights thinking.

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He's going to be a juvenile delinquent.

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We'll have to visit him and in

somewhere that we don't wanna be.

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But God redeems so many things.

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And so that was the early years.

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To put it in context, a great

example would be, do you remember

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one of the first times we took

him to Cantini Park in the museum?

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Yes.

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Like walking through the museum?

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Yes.

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If you been to the Cantini Museum

and the any museum that any listener

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has been to can understand that, as

you're going through, there's always

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something interesting and then it's

like there, maybe you turn a corner

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and there could be something else.

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We spent zero time enjoying

anything that was around us.

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It was constantly wondering

what was around the next corner.

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And I spent, I think I probably made

it through the entire museum in.

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Like sub five minutes because I

was just chasing him through the

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museum as he constantly wondered

what's around the next corner.

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And so that, that was a great

example of what dealing with the

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impulsivity of a young child with

a DHD kind of looked like for us.

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Yes.

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I feel like hand hands led the way.

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And so we often told Ben, oh, when we went

into stores, which I'm sure I've said on

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this podcast before, but we would always

say, look with your eyes, not with your

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hands, and put your hands in your pocket.

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Little did we know it.

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I don't wanna get ahead of ourselves,

but God used that and his hands are his

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greatest asset, which I'm going to cry,

but something that was so hard for us

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back then becomes his greatest strength.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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He, separating out the willingness and

ability from the wrongdoing was the

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really important distinction that we had

to that we had to come to as parents.

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We could punish and discipline for

something where there was an ability

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to make a choice, and the choice

was made incorrectly or in violation

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of a clear request or command of

scripture or something of that nature.

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If the willingness was there, but

there wasn't an ability because

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of distractibility or something,

that was definitely something

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that we couldn't discipline for.

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Another great example of that

would've been one instance.

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We took Ben to, we were, went out to

dinner as a family and of course he

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had matchbox cars that traveled with

him everywhere and probably still.

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Three, maybe four years old at most.

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And usually the command from dad before we

got to the restaurant or as we're getting

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sat down or whatever, is play quietly with

your cars, keep them, in front of you.

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And I had forgotten to tell him that

reminder at that particular restaurant.

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And so as we're sitting there looking over

the menu, one of the cars went flying off

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the table and landed on an adjacent table

where another couple was having dinner.

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Stephanie: Oh boy.

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Emily/Jake: of course we had to be a

very apologetic about it, but that wasn't

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something that I could discipline him for

in that moment because it had probably

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been a couple of months since we'd been

at a restaurant and he had forgotten.

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And so that is, that was not an ability

for him to recall that information.

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I had told him two months ago,

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uh.

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Yes, that's an excellent point.

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Just because you implement something

in the past, then we fast forward a

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couple months down the road does not

mean that they're going to remember

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what the consequences for that action.

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And so because of that, you find

yourself constantly going over

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the same thing and you think like,

why is this not landing with them?

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And that's where we just

realized consistency is king.

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Yep.

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And it's not, and this is where

we have to separate ourselves

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our parenting from who they are.

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It's not our lack of

parenting be consistent.

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But if you're remaining consistent,

it's not your lack of parenting.

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You're parenting through something

in their processing center that isn't

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allowing them to quickly connect

the action with the consequence.

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So you have to remain consistent.

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And don't be discouraged because it's not

landing the first, second, third, fourth,

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sometimes fifth bed than six times.

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Just remain consistent.

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Stephanie: Yes.

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There was recently an example.

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My kids went to Trader Joe's and got the

long strand of stickers they came home

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with, and I found that one of them had

put a couple stickers on the table , and

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I'm like, everybody say it with me.

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Stickers go on.

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Three of my kids said paper

and the other kids said, I've

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never heard you say that before.

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And I just was speechless because

you think that's only something

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you have to teach a couple times.

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It's a pretty basic thing.

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And often a DHD goes along

with auditory processing issues

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that it just doesn't land.

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And sometimes I think I, I didn't

know I had to teach to not put the

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glass bowl on your head in home

goods, but okay, that's a lesson.

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And so how many times do I have to

say that before before that lands?

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And it can be hard to keep up with

what would be a temptation to them.

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And it can be hard to be faithful

in repeating everything so much.

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What were the hardest years

with Ben as you look back?

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Emily/Jake: I feel like each season

has come with its challenges.

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I think I see it in two chunks and I'm

anxious to hear what you have to say also.

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But I would say the younger years

when we were trying to figure it out

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and discipline just wasn't working

for Ben, like it was every other kid.

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And so that was a very difficult

season because we were trying to

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figure out what the disconnect was.

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By the time he had gotten to kindergarten,

we knew that there would be struggles

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in school but we didn't know what those

would be or what that would look like,

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and I would say his first, second, and

third grade years were difficult because

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we were understanding the cadence of now

we're not just at home like learning,

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don't touch that, how to behave.

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We're not just going over that.

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Now we're in school and

we're adding testing and and

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academics and extracurriculars.

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So we're adding all of that to the scene.

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And so that became a different

kind of hard because now we're

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injecting other people into his life

also in authority and instruction.

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And so now we're bringing them

along for the ride, so to speak,

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and trying to loop them in.

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So I, that came with a different

hard because you're being super extra

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communicative with teachers and so that

came with its own set of challenges.

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If I'm being very honest, I feel like

, when he was young, every year was hard.

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And then we moved into middle school

years and you began to see it clicking.

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It was like, oh good, I see it clicking.

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And then it would be like two

steps forward, five steps back.

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But we saw progress.

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And probably middle school would

you say was the first time I feel

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like I started to see , connecting.

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Yeah.

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And then moved to high school and

I feel like that was just a game

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changer for Ben because he was really

like growing in leaps and bounds.

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All the little years were hard.

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Yeah.

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Because you're exhausted, you're

sleep deprived, you're trying

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to do all the right things.

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I was grateful times 1000 that we had

taken and trusted I'd taken and trusted

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and learned some biblical principle.

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And so I knew this biblical

principle would not fail us.

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And we felt strongly about that together.

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Yeah.

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That we had to just really

stay strong on that.

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but those years were hard and

structure also became key.

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And you were so great at that.

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Jake was great at making sure everything

was structured probably because you

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would thrive in that area too, but he

became good at implementing structure.

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Yeah, structure and routine were

absolutely essential for sure.

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I would also say that the hardest

years I would agree were probably

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the pre-diagnosis because there

was a lot of, defeated moments

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for us, and we didn't know why.

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After the diagnosis, it was like

we at least had something to

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connect it to and understood Yeah.

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Where it was coming from.

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And that allowed us to at least

figure out how to connect and resonate

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better or differently with him.

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'cause apparent, obviously what

we had been doing wasn't always

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effective, so what could we do?

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And that allowed us to approach

it a little differently.

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And then, yeah, to your point the middle

school years some of it started to take

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effect and so we had a little bit of hope.

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And then as the high school years

progressed it moved from parented

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assisted to individual ownership

by the time, graduation was there.

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Yeah.

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Which was such an incredible thing to see.

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It was I absolutely a work of the Lord.

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But I do wanna speak to also, when we

got that diagnosis, when you were talking

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about that when we talk about this, I

often refer to receiving that as receiving

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a roadmap to how Ben's brain worked.

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Because along with the A DHD as often

happens there are accompanying things that

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can be, and for him it was also dyslexia.

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Yeah.

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And so many things made sense.

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The nights at the homework table

where Jake was just working with

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him and there were tears and

Ben just couldn't connect it.

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And so all of that really

made sense and it became a

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roadmap to how his brain works.

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And and so I would encourage.

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Parents whatever route you go to

get the diagnosis, because there

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are different routes that if you are

able to do it, you absolutely should.

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Because it will give you like I

said, a roadmap and a paper trail.

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And that paper trail becomes

really valuable as they move on

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throughout their school years.

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And if they choose to move on to

college or whatever the case is, that

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paper trail becomes very valuable.

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Stephanie: Was there any fear

in the diagnostic process?

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you have any hesitancy or even shame

that this feels like it's my fault,

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do you remember any of those thoughts?

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Emily/Jake: Oh sure.

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There's definitely guilt as a parent.

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Anytime your kid struggles with anything.

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There's guilt associated and you see

it as I, Ben struggled in kindergarten,

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so you know that, oh, it was our fault.

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We weren't prepping him.

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We didn't get him enough like

educational toys for Christmas.

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We, like you assign all of these blames

to yourself for your children's struggles.

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But you don't see it initially in

the redemptive way that I look at

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it now as God redeeming and using

these yes, these for his glory.

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You don't see that until you're looking

at it through the lens of hindsight.

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.

Stephanie: And then receiving the diagnosis, it just felt freeing for you,

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this wasn't something that we did this

is just how his brain works, and now

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we know how to set him up for success.

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Emily/Jake: Yes.

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And I for me personally, I feel like I

love advocating for the people I care for.

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And so for me, I didn't feel shame

by the time we got to diagnosis.

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I felt like this will give me the

ability to advocate well, because

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I had worked through all of that.

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Did I feel shame when he was little?

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Yes.

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When?

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When we were chasing him around

the church and he wasn't listening.

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Yes.

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I felt a lot of shame.

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But by the time we had got to the

point of diagnosis I didn't feel shame.

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I felt excited and like , this will

give us the ability to advocate for

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what he needs for his next steps.

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Make sure you come back next

week for part two of this

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conversation with Emily and Jake.

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They're gonna get a little bit

more practical and talk more about

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the structure that they mentioned

several times in this episode, both

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in what it looked in the younger

years, and as Ben got older.

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I'd like to share a verse that I've been

praying particularly for my son that

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has a little bit more gusto for life.

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Colossians 1 28 29 says him, we

proclaim, warning everyone and teaching

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everyone with all wisdom that we may

present, everyone mature in Christ.

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For this, I toil struggling with all this

energy that he powerfully works within me.

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I think about all that the Apostle

Paul accomplished for the Lord's glory.

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A lot of these kids that have

intensity certainly have potential

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to serve the Lord in a mighty way.

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And I know I usually end each episode

praying over you, but have you heard

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of our new daily podcast, the Dwelling

Place Bible Plan for Busy Moms?

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Each weekday episode is under 10 minutes.

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In it, I read the word over, you help

you apply it to parenting, and then I

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close in a different prayer every day.

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I'm gonna link that in the show notes.

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And I hope you can make that

part of your daily routine.

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About the Podcast

Show artwork for The Again Podcast on Biblical Motherhood: Encouragement In the Repetition of Parenting For Busy, Overwhelmed Christian Moms
The Again Podcast on Biblical Motherhood: Encouragement In the Repetition of Parenting For Busy, Overwhelmed Christian Moms
Christian Parenting, Biblical Motherhood, Faith, Family

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About your host

Profile picture for Stephanie Hickox

Stephanie Hickox

Stephanie has always delighted in God’s Word and in sharing it with others. Whether it is equipping mothers and leaders through Entrusted with a Child’s Heart, inspiring students when teaching at homeschool co-ops or children’s ministry, or homeschooling her own children, Stephanie’s life mission is to encourage others to follow faithfully and joyfully after Jesus—especially if they hold her favorite job title: mom.

Betsy Corning wrote Entrusted with a Child’s Heart in 1999 in response to the needs she saw in families as she and David counseled young parents just a few years behind them. Entrusted has been taught in hundreds of churches nationwide, been translated into several foreign languages, and has made its way around the world. More recently, Betsy received her Masters in Biblical Studies from The Master’s University and is developing a new Bible Study program called Get the Word Out. Her passion for God’s Word, discipleship, and teaching biblical principles as they apply to family life has remained strong to this day. One of the greatest blessings in Betsy’s life are her three grown children, their spouses, and ten grandchildren that keep her constantly in touch with every age and stage.

Jen Freckman Is an incredible wealth of wisdom. She will tell you a natural remedy for just about anything! She is also a voracious reader and she is just overflowing with quotes and guidance that she's encountered through reading and being faithful. She delights in her children and is a devoted mother. She is also an amazingly creative problem solver! Her solutions to manage her home and guide her children are inspiring.

Emily Deyo is such a treasure. She is an incredible encourager and servant-hearted woman. When she has the mic in front of her, so much value comes out! She is a wordsmith and her heart consistently beats for how she can encourage and serve others. She is a truly loving and attentive mother.

Join Betsy, Emily, Jen, and Stephanie as they share the wisdom only Scripture and on-the-job training can provide to help untangle the joyful calling of motherhood.