When A Trial Reveals How Lonely You Are: Part 1
In this episode Emily shares a how difficult her entrance to motherhood was. Rushing to the hospital to deliver a very premature baby was not at all how she pictured welcoming her first child into the world. Not only was this a difficult time financially for their family, it also revealed a deep lack of community in their lives.
Premature births account for somewhere between 9-15% of births. Let's hear the truly practical advice Emily provides so we can support other mothers walking through a similar difficulty.
Scripture Mentioned:
Psalm 18
Transcript
They're the joyful agains our children shout on the swings, the
2
:exhausting agains of cooking and laundry,
and the difficult agains of discipline.
3
:So much of what we do
as mothers is on repeat.
4
:So what if we woke up with clarity,
knowing which agains we were called
5
:to, and went to bed believing we
are faithful in what matters most?
6
:We believe God's Word is
the key to untangle from the
7
:confusion and overwhelm we feel.
8
:Let's look up together to embrace a
motherhood full of freedom and joy.
9
:Welcome to the again, podcast.
10
:I'm your host, Stephanie Hickox.
11
:And this is brought to you
by entrusted ministries.
12
:In John 1335, Jesus said by
this, all people will know
13
:that you are my disciples.
14
:If you have love for one another.
15
:That verse has been going through
my head over and over lately,
16
:as I've been thinking about the
local church and the support that
17
:we're called to give one another.
18
:Whether it's delivering
vitamins for a sick friend.
19
:Being there for a grieving widow
or someone who just had a baby or
20
:received a cancer diagnosis, we
are called to support each other.
21
:It seems the temptation is constant of
connecting through a quick text, but
22
:let's not forget the true, authentic
fellowship that we were called to that
23
:requires face to face interaction.
24
:This is part one of an
interview I had with Emily deal.
25
:She's sharing one of her greatest
trials and motherhood, and it began
26
:right at the beginning when her child
came much earlier than anyone expected.
27
:Did you know that nine to
15% of babies go to the NICU?
28
:After being born.
29
:That is a much higher number
than I would have expected.
30
:So I think it's important that
we hear a testimony of someone
31
:explaining what that was like and
how we can support them in it.
32
:But not only does Emily share
that she shares how the Lord
33
:was so faithful to their family.
34
:And though it's a little embarrassing
at the very end , I'm sharing
35
:about a recent humbling example.
36
:I of a foolish lie.
37
:I was believing that was preventing me.
38
:From
39
:connecting.
40
:And
41
:Stephanie: having a deeper fellowship.
42
:Maybe you can relate.
43
:Steph: The further along I get in
motherhood, I realize that having mothers
44
:that are just a little bit down the road
from me, or much farther down the road
45
:than me, is such an absolute treasure.
46
:Emily, even last night, I called you
with the parenting situation that I feel
47
:very discouraged about, and you were
so gracious and so encouraging to say,
48
:there's a light at the end of this tunnel.
49
:That's why I think it will be such a
blessing for moms to hear you share this
50
:testimony of a really difficult season.
51
:That you went through, and I see the
woman that you are today as such fruit
52
:of the trials that you went through.
53
:I see your heart for
community and authenticity.
54
:I didn't know you before this trial
that we're going to talk about, but
55
:it seems to me that a lot of this
was born in you out of that season.
56
:I know it was a long time ago,
but could you please tell us
57
:about your pregnancy with your
firstborn who, how old has Ben now?
58
:17?
59
:Emily: He will be 18 in
just a couple months.
60
:We're taking it back almost 18 years ago.
61
:In some ways it feels as if it was
yesterday and some ways it feels
62
:like it truly was 18 years ago.
63
:But I can honestly say before I
get into Ben's story that I can
64
:look across these years and I can
just see the goodness of God in our
65
:physical needs and in our health
needs and in our financial needs, but
66
:In his goodness to grow us in him.
67
:I see that evident and I'm
so grateful to him for it.
68
:We often resist the very things that
will bring us close to him because
69
:they make us the most uncomfortable.
70
:No one asked for a premature birth.
71
:No one asked for the uncertainty that it
brings, but in our lives, it cultivated
72
:this desire for the Lord and desire for
just wanting so much for our family.
73
:And he used it to awaken those
goals and longings that we had
74
:and bring resolution to it.
75
:Benjamin was born eight weeks early.
76
:That was very much a surprise
because my pregnancy went perfectly.
77
:Everything was on track.
78
:Everything was progressing as it should.
79
:All of my visits were filled
with good news, which, of which
80
:we were incredibly grateful for.
81
:At 31 weeks I was having
some contractions.
82
:I went in and thought, Oh, surely this
is not what I think it is, but it was.
83
:And so the prescription they had
for me was bed rest and I went home
84
:on bed rest and exactly one week
to the day that I went in, he came.
85
:Benjamin came into the world.
86
:And so he was eight weeks early.
87
:And
88
:Steph: You weren't working
at that time, right?
89
:Emily: I was nannying actually at that
time and I was staying in their house.
90
:And they were out of town.
91
:Actually they had to fly back early.
92
:So I was nannying and then at 31 weeks
they came back and I went on bedrest.
93
:I remember I tried to be so
vigilant in not going up and down
94
:the stairs and just all the things
that they told me to not do.
95
:I was super vigilant in doing,
but Despite my best laid plans
96
:Benjamin came and it was at night.
97
:I was laying in bed and my water
broke and I woke Jacob and I said, I
98
:think we need to go to the hospital.
99
:It was full panic because in so
many ways, I was ignorant as to
100
:what premature birth could bring.
101
:In other ways, I knew we
had a road ahead of us.
102
:I just didn't know what it was.
103
:That's where we found ourselves rushing to
the hospital late at night, the two of us.
104
:And I look back on this whole
time, I think the best word that
105
:I could use, if I had to sum it up
in one word, it would be uncertain.
106
:I was uncertain as to what would lay
ahead of me on the other end of labor.
107
:I was uncertain because preceding this,
my husband had been laid off from his job.
108
:And so that means no
insurance, no benefits.
109
:I had many things racing through my head
as we were on the way to the hospital.
110
:But it was a lot of uncertainty.
111
:Steph: What did the
labor itself look like?
112
:Was it very rushed?
113
:I'm thinking about all of my labors.
114
:I knew this is painful, but this is right.
115
:This is what needs to happen.
116
:Emily: I felt as if I was just
going through the motions.
117
:I had zero control.
118
:The labor, I knew he needed to come out.
119
:My water broke.
120
:It was time.
121
:The labor was Actually pretty quick.
122
:I think I was in labor with him from
beginning to end, it was about six hours.
123
:, I say it wasn't long, it really
felt so quick because everything
124
:was just happening so fast.
125
:I do remember as soon as he
was born, there were so many
126
:doctors in the room and nurses.
127
:And I remember they took him right away.
128
:They had A little incubator set up
with all of the things that they needed.
129
:I didn't see him for quite a few hours
because they rushed him out of the room.
130
:My husband was there and
he did get to go with him.
131
:But I did not get to see him.
132
:I think it was about four to
five hours because they needed to
133
:take care of me and do what they
needed to do with me in the room.
134
:They had to care for him and run
all the tests and do all the things
135
:before I could go and see him.
136
:I remember laying there.
137
:And I had heard him cry and that
brought a lot of comfort to my heart.
138
:But that's all, I didn't know
what he looked like, nothing.
139
:And so again, the Lord was good in
this because this was also my first.
140
:And so I, I didn't know what to expect.
141
:Everything was
142
:new and I didn't have any past
experience to gauge it by.
143
:So in that way, I'm so grateful.
144
:Because I didn't have any milestones in
my own mind, I remember by the time I was
145
:able to go in and see him, they wheeled
me and he was full Of tubes and needles.
146
:And it was very intimidating.
147
:He was very tiny.
148
:He was four pounds, which actually
for a premature baby that sounds
149
:small, but he was pretty decently
sized for premature baby.
150
:Steph: Yes Because towards the
end they gained quite a bit,
151
:Emily: They do.
152
:He looked very frail and so
tiny and I remember being a
153
:little bit scared to hold him.
154
:I didn't want to do anything that would
hurt him because he just looked so tiny.
155
:I do remember the first time I held
him, and I had to be careful because
156
:he had all the cords attached to him.
157
:It was sweet, but also I felt like
it was hard to process because
158
:there was so much going on.
159
:They had to feed him through a
feeding tube when he was first born
160
:because he didn't have the ability
to suck yet because he was so young.
161
:Nothing was As I had dreamed it to
be, when you're a first time mom, you
162
:have all of these visions and thoughts
about what it's going to be like.
163
:And it was not like anything I
had thought that it would be.
164
:It was a little, it was actually a
lot scary because you just, you go
165
:into it totally wide eyed because
you don't know what's going on
166
:and you don't know what to expect.
167
:Steph: Were you aware that
you were grieving.
168
:The loss of what you had expected
or what you had hoped or, okay.
169
:Emily: most definitely
not during that time.
170
:I don't know if everyone's this
way, but it was just one foot in
171
:front of the other, because I felt
like if I let down, I couldn't make
172
:it through whatever was to come.
173
:I was just arming myself
for the next thing.
174
:Because as you're sitting in the NICU
and the nurses are talking to you, that's
175
:your whole conversation is the next step.
176
:What's the next step?
177
:Which actually is probably a gift from
the Lord because you're not able To
178
:sit and think about processing really
much of anything unless it is the
179
:next milestone that they need to hit.
180
:I wasn't processing any of that
because I couldn't, I was just
181
:thinking about what he needed to do.
182
:And what he needed to do was hit three
milestones in order to come home.
183
:He had to be able to suck.
184
:He had to be able to form suction.
185
:So he could eat on his own.
186
:He had to get his coloring.
187
:Normal, and he had to be able to
sleep through the night without
188
:the apnea monitor going off.
189
:His heart would stop while he
was sleeping, and so the apnea
190
:monitor alerted us to that.
191
:So he had to be able to sleep
without his heart stopping.
192
:And so those were the three
milestones that we had to hit.
193
:So as you're processing all of this.
194
:That's what your mind is on.
195
:The next step that your baby has to hit.
196
:Steph: That makes sense.
197
:I can understand why the practical,
tangible milestones and surviving taking
198
:the forefront in your mind and you
can't enter into All of the emotions
199
:Emily: Yes.
200
:A hundred percent.
201
:Steph: what was your schedule
like while Ben was in the NICU?
202
:Emily: I lived and died
by his eating schedule.
203
:While I was in the hospital as they
do, they bring in the lactation nurse
204
:and she was absolutely fabulous.
205
:And though I was not able to
nurse him right away she did help
206
:me and talk me through pumping.
207
:That was my life was pumping for Benjamin.
208
:I would pump and then take it to him.
209
:And that is what they fed
him through the feeding tube.
210
:My whole world revolved
around his feeding times.
211
:Because those were the times that
I could hold him while he ate.
212
:And those were some, Sweet times.
213
:The nurses were absolutely fabulous.
214
:NICU nurses that is a
ministry all in its own.
215
:Those nurses were just fantastic.
216
:I can still remember them to this day.
217
:They really took the time to be
so sweet and invest in the moms.
218
:That was my whole being was being there
for Ben, being there for nursing time.
219
:I would plan my visits around
seeing him during those times.
220
:They let me be there as much as I wanted.
221
:I don't know, maybe it's changed
today, they were so fantastic , in
222
:encouraging me to sleep when I could.
223
:They would always say, you get your
rest, come back during his feeding times,
224
:because those are the times that you can
bond the most, you're welcome anytime.
225
:But they really encouraged me to
be able to rest in the in between.
226
:I can't imagine driving
away without my child.
227
:What was that like for you, Emily?
228
:Was it hard to leave?
229
:Emily: Yes.
230
:Leaving the hospital without
your baby is one of the most
231
:difficult things I've ever done.
232
:I stayed a few days after he was born.
233
:My husband had gotten a job he
was slated to start the day that
234
:I came home from the hospital
235
:We had no family around.
236
:Everybody lived far away.
237
:At the time we did not have friends
that were, And so it was just
238
:Jake and I because he started a
new job he was not available to
239
:drive me home from the hospital.
240
:I drove myself home from the
hospital this was the hardest day
241
:that I ever had because I drove home,
I left my baby at the hospital.
242
:, in my mind, this was just not
how it was supposed to be.
243
:My arms were empty and my heart was heavy
and I was driving away without my son.
244
:I remember getting in the car and
driving home and just thinking what now?
245
:There were so many unknowns.
246
:I pulled in the garage, I walked into
the kitchen, into the living room.
247
:And I remember just sitting on the
reclining chair and just I was crying
248
:because I thought again, this is
not how it's supposed to be, Lord.
249
:And what next?
250
:And what now?
251
:At the time that I left Ben
had not hit any milestones.
252
:It was totally unknown how long
he would need to be in the NICU.
253
:And I felt this responsibility and
care and concern for him, but I didn't
254
:know what to do with it because I
couldn't really be there for him.
255
:His whole survival was based on those
wonderful NICU nurses and not on me.
256
:It was the most lost feeling
I think I've ever felt.
257
:I believe this is where the Lord works
so greatly in our lives and He, through
258
:our deepest pain helps us be able to
minister and care for others in ways
259
:that we couldn't have had we not walked
the road that He had called us to walk.
260
:This was Our road that
he had called us to walk.
261
:This is when my days just became consumed
with pumping and going to the hospital
262
:and pumping and going to the hospital.
263
:We were very blessed in that time
because Benjamin was there for four
264
:weeks and then he was able to come home.
265
:And that was like no other
feeling in the world when he
266
:was finally able to come home.
267
:Steph: That's a long time.
268
:That's a very long time
269
:Emily: It was a long time.
270
:It was a long time of a lot of
uncertainty and it was a long
271
:time with a lot of questions
272
:Steph: When my kids have gone through
different health issues, it seems like
273
:that's one of the hardest things for
me as a mother, but it seems like my
274
:husband always has this reassurance,
oh, it's going to be fine, it's
275
:going to be fine, I'm wondering.
276
:Did Jake really have that confidence
with him starting a new job?
277
:I'm sure he had divided focus.
278
:Maritally, was that a really strong
time for you to rely on each other?
279
:Or did you feel like we don't
have complete unity because you're
280
:starting on this new endeavor?
281
:How would you describe that time?
282
:Emily: That time between us, I still look
back on that time as just God's goodness
283
:because there are so many things that
could have gone wrong, but honestly,
284
:during that time, it was survival and for
both of us he was incredibly supportive.
285
:And he was very reassuring.
286
:But this is where the
goodness of the Lord comes in.
287
:Because when I look back on those
times when you think back to the
288
:labor of your children, you don't
remember the hardness of it.
289
:You just remember the goodness of it.
290
:Steph: of that.
291
:it, but so hard.
292
:But I'm glad for you
293
:Emily: I feel like the Lord blurs
the details because I really feel
294
:like those details are so blurred.
295
:Maybe I had trauma.
296
:But we made it through that time and
Yes, Jake had quite a commute, and
297
:I was going opposite way going to the
hospital, and then we would come together
298
:at night and kind of share about our
days, and he was incredibly encouraging.
299
:I do remember him being encouraging,
but there was so much going on that
300
:I don't remember the heavy details.
301
:And I do think that's the Lord's
protection because I just remember
302
:being so focused on Benjamin.
303
:Now, if you were to ask Jake, maybe
he would have a different story.
304
:But I remember being very focused on Ben.
305
:And just talking about that next milestone
because we hit them just one by one.
306
:And so we were counting down
together to the next one and
307
:the next one and the next one.
308
:Then when the realization hit that he
would be coming home we went to the
309
:hospital and we picked Ben up and drove
him home and now when we brought him
310
:home, he still had his apnea monitor.
311
:And this is where my mom came in
to just be a huge blessing to us.
312
:Because during this time, I had been alone
going back and forth and then she came
313
:and stayed with us for this next part.
314
:And the next part was bringing Ben
home with his apnea monitor and then
315
:a series of doctor's appointments
316
:when you have a baby that is
premature, the doctors are just
317
:checking everything, eyesight
hearing all of the different tests.
318
:And she was so present in
going to the appointments.
319
:And I would say if you know a mom
who is walking through the waters of
320
:premature birth, and she has no family
around the The most ministering
321
:thing you can do for her heart is
to offer to go to appointments with
322
:her because my mom caught so many
things that I missed because you
323
:have so much information thrown at
you in just a short amount of time.
324
:I'm sure that was such a comfort
to have your mom be able to stay.
325
:And go to all of those
appointments with you.
326
:Do you recall what it was
like when she had to leave?
327
:Emily: Yeah, that's a
328
:great
329
:question.
330
:That was very hard to watch my mom leave.
331
:I remember the night before she was
supposed to leave I was just so afraid
332
:because I hadn't been alone with
Benjamin yet, and he still had his apnea
333
:monitor, so he was still struggling
with his heart stopping at night.
334
:I was so scared.
335
:I do remember my dad was also
with my mom during that time.
336
:And my dad came to me and said, would
it help if we stayed one more night?
337
:And I said, yes, please.
338
:And yes, I, but I do remember them.
339
:Driving away and I just thought,
how am I going to do this on my own?
340
:it was a hard day when my mom
left me alone with little tiny
341
:Benjamin It was a very hard day.
342
:It was so scary because I felt
so unprepared and so scared.
343
:I was supposed to have eight more weeks
344
:Steph: and you weren't just
physically exhausted, you're
345
:emotionally exhausted, right?
346
:Just from all of the uncertainty.
347
:There had to be a weariness that
you were experiencing that is
348
:beyond what a typical new mom feels.
349
:Emily: Yes, there was a lot
of emotional exhaustion.
350
:I think often when you go through
something like that, you don't process
351
:it until you're on the back end of it.
352
:And by this time I was
on the back end of it.
353
:We had brought him home and you're
dealing with so many emotions and so
354
:much fear that you're processing through
all of that and it's so easy to feel.
355
:Utterly alone, and we know we're not,
but yes, I did feel very alone and
356
:just scared, and also not knowing if
I was even equipped to be a mom yet.
357
:And that time, oh, it was, it's, it
was a gift, but it was also, every
358
:moment was unknown and very scary.
359
:Um, of course.
360
:And I'm sure you were very obedient
and wanting to follow up with
361
:all these doctors appointments.
362
:But I know that the bills were piling
in and you're waiting for the new
363
:insurance that had to be just another
layer of fear and uncertainty.
364
:Emily: Yes.
365
:It was that was difficult because Jake had
been laid off and so he had his new job,
366
:but his insurance hadn't yet kicked in.
367
:We were dealing with with all of that.
368
:When I say uncertain, it
was uncertain in every way.
369
:But also, when I look back now, I
see God's faithfulness in it all.
370
:When you're in the midst of it, you don't
see all the waves, and you don't know how
371
:you're going to get past the next wave.
372
:And, You just think Lord,
why is this happening?
373
:But now as I look back, I see how he took
us by the hand and led us through that.
374
:We had a lot of uncertainty.
375
:We had a lot of financial uncertainty.
376
:We had a lot of health uncertainty.
377
:We had a lot of Just fractured
community and the Lord was so
378
:faithful to lead us through.
379
:I do believe it's by the grace of
the Lord that he led us through
380
:in our marriage in our finances.
381
:And he took care of everything he took
care of every little thing, but when
382
:you're walking through it, often you
think how am I going to make it through?
383
:And that's definitely where we
found ourselves during that time.
384
:Steph: One of my favorite
Psalms is Psalm 18 and it talks
385
:about God making us strong.
386
:It says, I love you, Lord, my strength.
387
:The Lord is my rock and my fortress
and my deliverer, my God, my rock in
388
:whom I take refuge, my shield and the
horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
389
:I call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be
praised, and I am saved from my enemies.
390
:I love the whole chapter, but
in verse 18 and 19, it says,
391
:but the Lord was my support.
392
:He brought me into a broad place.
393
:He rescued me because he delighted in me.
394
:And then later on, it talks about how God
strengthen us, by my God, I can leap over
395
:a wall and he trains my hands for war so
that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
396
:Your right hand supported me and
your gentleness made me great.
397
:I find sometimes when I'm looking back
at trials, at the feels Lord, I had to
398
:go through all of those hard things.
399
:I had to keep persevering
and very difficult season.
400
:But you see how God held you, how his
gentleness makes you great, how he is
401
:your rock that enables you to do what
you need to do and to persevere, to
402
:keep moving, to put one foot in front
of the other, as you were saying.
403
:Emily: Yes.
404
:Steph: It's like the footprints in the
sand, ? Why through the hardest times in
405
:my life, even though I know that's you so
often, but you really do realize Oh, wow,
406
:God, you were carrying me in that time.
407
:Emily: It's as if he gives us one puzzle
piece and tells us to hold on to it.
408
:And then we're not able to connect
the pieces until he gives us that
409
:next puzzle piece and then they click
together and you're like Oh, okay.
410
:Maybe there's a full picture here.
411
:He gives us the puzzle pieces all
across our life, and it will never be
412
:fully done until we leave this place.
413
:This side of heaven, but he is so
good to give us just what we need when
414
:we're walking through something hard.
415
:I'm sure you've been through
times like this Steph that you
416
:look back and you think, how did
I even make it through that time?
417
:This is one of those times
for me that I think, how Did I
418
:even make it through this time?
419
:We had more questions than we had answers.
420
:And yet we made it through.
421
:Stronger in our faith, but who
but the Lord could move a mountain
422
:like that for us and then come
out the other side stronger.
423
:He's so good in that way.
424
:I think as we mature in our Christian
walk and in the years have a way of
425
:doing that it brings a closeness to
him and a desire to come alongside
426
:other moms and say, listen, I know you
feel like you're carrying the weight
427
:of the world and you are right now,
but God has a plan in it and trust his
428
:plan and don't give up on that plan.
429
:This is where.
430
:The Lord gives us the encouragement
to do that in these spaces of the
431
:unknown and walking alongside one
another and surrendered to him.
432
:He can take what is the scariest or
ugly or most unimportant parts of
433
:our lives and make them beautiful,
make them used for his glory.
434
:Stephanie: If you are in the middle
of a trial, we hope this testimony of
435
:God's faithfulness and courage to you.
436
:Key pressing into him.
437
:He will bring beauty from those ashes.
438
:Next week we'll release
part two of this episode.
439
:I'm like, it's very practical
about how we can support moms
440
:that are going through this.
441
:And it will certainly apply
to other trials as well.
442
:And as promised, I'm going to tell you
a very humbling story from my own life.
443
:I have a friend in our
homeschool community.
444
:She's incredibly authentic and I always
feel encouraged when I'm around her.
445
:Last week.
446
:She said that we should get
together more this summer.
447
:And I had to admit to her that I
don't pursue more of a friendship
448
:with her because I don't feel like
I'm pretty enough to be her friend.
449
:Her shock.
450
:And her response confirmed that this
was an absolute lie and she forced me to
451
:promise that we were going to make more of
an effort to have a consistent friendship.
452
:I know it sounds ridiculous, but I
think so often we fall into a trap
453
:of believing that we're too much or
not enough to be someone's friend.
454
:So we don't pursue them.
455
:I'm encouraging you to push through.
456
:It's hard enough to find friendships as
a mom, without us getting in our own way.
457
:Because as Jesus said, that's how the
world is going to know that we're his.
458
:By the way that we love each other.
459
:And if we're isolating ourselves.
460
:That can't happen.
461
:We know you're busy, Mama, so
we are truly grateful you joined
462
:us for this episode of Again.
463
:If you're looking for more information
about building your home on the
464
:foundation of Jesus Christ, head to www.
465
:EntrustedMinistries.
466
:com to learn more about our study for
moms, Entrusted with a Child's Heart.
467
:This scripture saturated study
has blessed families around the
468
:world, and we want it for you, too.
469
:Before you go, I want to pray
this benediction over you
470
:from 2 Thessalonians 1, 11 12.
471
:We're rooting for you.
472
:To this end, we always pray for you,
that our God may make you worthy of His
473
:calling, and may fulfill every resolve
for good and every work of faith by
474
:His power, so that the name of our Lord
Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in
475
:Him, according to the grace of our God.
476
:And the Lord Jesus Christ.
477
:Amen.
478
:Until we meet again.