Episode 57

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Published on:

10th Oct 2024

#57. Hope for the Discouraged Mom: What Do We Do When Our Children Are Angry and Resistant to Our Efforts

If you've parented for more than a minute, you've been there. You try everything you can think of, but you're not seeing fruit, and this child just won't respond how you hope... and pray. In this episode Jen and Steph respond to a listener question. They don't pretend to know just what this mom is experiencing exactly, but they will give some suggestions and provide encouragement to help this mama stay the course.

Scriptures Referenced:

James 1:5

Proverbs 20:5

Psalm 127:13-14

Transcript
Stephanie:

They're the joyful agains our children shout on the swings, the

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exhausting agains of cooking and laundry,

and the difficult agains of discipline.

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So much of what we do

as mothers is on repeat.

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So what if we woke up with clarity,

knowing which agains we were called

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to, and went to bed believing we

are faithful in what matters most?

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We believe God's Word is

the key to untangle from the

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confusion and overwhelm we feel.

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Let's look up together to embrace a

motherhood full of freedom and joy.

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Welcome back to the, Again, podcast.

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I'm your host, Stephanie Hickox, and this

is brought to you by Entrusted Ministries.

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Tonight I am joined by Jen Frechman, and

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instead of using a get to know

you question, we have decided to

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answer a few listener questions.

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And the first one just has our

mama heart's hurting a little bit.

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And we know all too well that Sometimes,

as much as you pour in, you just

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don't always see the fruit right away.

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Sometimes, you don't see fruit for years,

it feels and as much as we are longing

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for our children to walk with the Lord,

it's not that guarantee And often we

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have to be patient with our children.

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So we want to speak to one of these

difficult situations that one of

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you are facing with the hope that

it would encourage many of you.

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This is the question we received.

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One of my middle children, age 11,

has trouble submitting to parental

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authority and ultimately God.

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He is my most physically affectionate kid.

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He's also very smart and

thrives on structure.

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He knows the right answers

and has head knowledge, and he

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wants to please his teachers.

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However, he has no desire to implement

biblical principles when it comes to

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honoring parents, treating siblings

with kindness, and he will often

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come home from school with an idea

of how the rest of the day should go

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and will get upset when mom and dad

try to control him or the schedule.

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We find ourselves often engaging in

a battle of the wills where he either

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makes threats, talks negatively

about himself, or leaves the house.

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We have tried Bible verse copy

work, praying with and for

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him, personal Bible study, and

spending one on one time with him.

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He knows he is a sinner, but does

not acknowledge his need of a Savior.

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In fact, he has said several

times that he feels God doesn't

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love him or answer his prayers.

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When he asks the Lord to help

him with his anger, please help.

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As I said, our hearts are just

hurting for this mom Jen, what are

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your thoughts as you think about

how to encourage this sweet mama?

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Jen: Oh, first I want to, I

just want to give her a hug.

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I feel like we've all been there with the.

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Just the feeling of sadness that

you can hear in the question.

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And just a sense of we're trying things.

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We don't know what's working.

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We we just don't know what to do.

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And I would just say that I would

get on my knees and just pray and

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ask the Lord for clarity and wisdom.

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I often pray that the Lord would reveal to

me what needs to be known about my kids.

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That if there is any sin in their

heart or in their life, that the

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Lord would reveal it to me quickly so

that, or that make it known quickly.

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It doesn't necessarily have to

be revealed to me, but just make

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it known quickly so that they can

keep short accounts with the Lord.

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And that they can, have the clean

conscience before him to just not be

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carrying sin or burdens around like that.

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So I guess I would start there with just

asking the Lord for wisdom and clarity

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for insight into your child's life.

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And and then I would sit down

with the young man to me when

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I first heard it, I feel like

something maybe happened at school.

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If he comes home and he feels like he

can't keep up the facade, it sounds

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like he's doing everything he can to be

perfect at school, to please his teachers,

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to please everybody that's around him.

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And then when he gets home, he's

just, he can't do it anymore.

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He's I'm done.

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I can't act anymore.

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I can't do this.

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And so I just, I'm angry.

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I'm frustrated.

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If any of us are doing.

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Anything out of the flesh,

out of like our own I'm going

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to, pull up my pants and just.

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Grin and bear it.

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Anytime we grin and bear it, it

like doesn't come out peacefully.

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It doesn't, something

is not right about that.

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And so if he has to do that

at school, I would ask him

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like, why did something happen?

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Do you feel uncomfortable?

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Is there a teacher that you feel has.

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Too many you have too much responsibility

or she has too many expectations of

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you that you're not rising to her

expectations or his expectations.

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Maybe it's the parents that are

like, we expect all A's from you.

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We expect, I have no idea, but it

seems to me like if he's able to keep

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it together at school and everybody at

school is like, Oh, everything's great.

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And when he comes home, That something's

not, that's where the disconnect is.

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So I would maybe ask go deeper into that.

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Also I think at some point

He's still, he's 11 and so

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he, he's not yet a teenager.

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He's not, he doesn't have a car.

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He's not driving somewhere.

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He's still under the age where the

parents would still run the schedule.

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It's the parents dictating that and

running the day and figuring out, when

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dinner is going to be and what's going on.

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If he likes structure, I don't know If

they have a family calendar where he

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can see everything that's happening,

that might be helpful for him so that

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he knows maybe having a family meeting

on, Sunday night before the school

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starts and be like, okay how are we?

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Everybody check in.

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This is what we have going for the week.

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This is what we have on this night.

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So that he can know those things.

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I know we do that with my

kids and, They all love it.

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They love Saturday when I'm working on

the calendar because they get a glimpse

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into what the week is going to look like.

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And so maybe that would give

him a little bit more peace.

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The part that he says that he

feels God doesn't love him,

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that just breaks my heart.

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I think that I would continue to pray

about that and then just ask the Lord

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for wisdom as to where that's coming

from and why the anger what happened

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again I don't know, but I feel If he

has anger and he releases it at home,

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maybe something happened at school and

he doesn't feel like he can say anything.

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And so he's angry about it.

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I don't know, but I would definitely

press into that and just really

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ask him like, what's going on?

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What's happened?

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How are you feeling?

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One of the things that we do at

our family table is just ask what

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are two things about your day?

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Something that went well something

that made you sad or didn't.

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It was everything fine today.

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Nothing, made you sad, and

that's a wonderful day.

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But if something did we wanna know, we

wanna see how we can be praying for you.

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I don't know.

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What do you think?

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Stephanie: There's so much wisdom there.

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I agree to ask the Lord for wisdom, and

we've talked about before that James 1

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5 promises that God will give us wisdom.

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And I think that there are seasons where I

feel like I'm not getting clear guidance,

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learned to thank him for the reliance

that he builds in me in those seasons.

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That he doesn't give me a quick answer

that I turn around and implement.

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That he's teaching me to rely upon

him day by day, moment by moment.

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And he's transforming me as I'm

trying to point my child to him.

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So

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If it feels like, Oh, you

promised you were going to give

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me wisdom and I'm still waiting.

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To be thankful that you are opportunity

to be reliant upon his spirit.

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I agree that there is such a

connection between anger and

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anxiety and people pleasing.

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And I have, I saw that actually

a lot when I was a teacher.

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I would have a child that

was ideal in the classroom.

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And then parent teacher conferences

would come and the parent would say,

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Oh, they're really angry at home.

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And.

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Are you kidding me?

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That sweet little child.

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And I think that there is something

about trying to hold it all together all

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day and you bottle it up and then you

come home where you feel safe and you

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let it out on those you feel safe with.

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And.

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I really, it was so helpful to me

when someone explained to me that

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anger is a secondary emotion and

it's really the warning light.

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Like it, it's your check engine

light to say something else

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is going on under the hood.

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I know for me personally, when I've

struggled with anger it's actually

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this protective mechanism of someone

really hurt me and I'm trying.

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I'm just trying to protect myself.

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And I think if, or, actually I had

one of my children in the past couple

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of years, like the sweetest kid, but

he really has struggled with some

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angry meltdowns and praise the Lord.

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We have turned a corner on this, but he

was dealing with some deep grief over

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my husband's diagnosis and my husband

has MS and just isn't able to pour in

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a lot of the energy my son wanted.

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And there's been a grieving in that, that

I think he didn't know how to express.

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And so he would get angry.

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I felt like in that my job was to help him

know that a lot of his grief was valid.

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And you're right.

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This is a really hard

situation and I'm so sorry.

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But also I hear some lies that the

enemy is trying to speak to you right

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now in this, and we need to be really

careful that even in our grief, that

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we are honoring the Lord in it and.

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Trying to point him to the Lord,

but I had to be so careful with

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him too, because he was such a

sweet spirited, such a good kid.

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I think he was feeling so much shame over

the anger and to let him know I love you.

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I'm here with you in this.

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And.

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Jen: Yeah.

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Stephanie: As angry as he was to not

let it be a separation between he and I.

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That you can get as mad as you want.

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You can say whatever comes out and

it will not push me away from you.

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So I'm just going to lay here and

I'm here when you're ready to talk.

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And then when.

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I felt like he was ready that he

had gotten a lot of the emotion out.

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It was really neat to see how maturely

he was able to process through things.

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But I think if I would have

tried to put a band aid on it

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Jen: Yeah.

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Stephanie: just knock it off,

act your age, like this is

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unacceptable in this home.

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We don't act like that.

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Because I think that there's a time to

say You may feel deeply, but you don't

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speak like that, and obviously we have

boundaries there, but I just felt like God

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really called me to be patient with him,

and that it did help us to turn a corner

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Jen: It sounds to me, Steph, like

you're you're referencing Proverbs 20

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verse 5 that says counsel in the heart

of a man is like deep water, but a

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man of understanding will draw it out.

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And so just drawing that out of your kid

and being like, however long it takes.

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It could seem so huge and monumental to

that child, and even as you're waiting

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to hear what is it that they're going to

say, most of the time when that comes out,

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not always, sometimes I'm very shocked by

what it is, but most of the time it feels

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to us as adults not that big of a deal.

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Are you that's what you're so upset about.

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Sometimes just being able to draw it

out and to not have a reaction of shock

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or disappointment or upset at them for

any of it, but just being like, whatever

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you have to say, you're not in trouble.

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We love you.

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We're here for you.

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We just want to help you.

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And we don't know how to help

you until you let us in and

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let us know what's happening.

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Stephanie: Yes, I love that verse.

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My counselor she is a straight

up biblical counselor.

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She's fantastic.

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Solid on God's word.

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But she said there's a trend that

she's seeing of a lot of children or

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like young adults showing up in her

office having issues with the church

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and with the Lord because they felt

like they were never allowed to feel,

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never allowed to say how they felt.

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And they were just basically

told, just get in line and obey.

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I think, when we talk about

being entrusted with a child's

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heart, we do mean obedience.

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We do, but there's a tenderness there

and I think the Lord was so quick.

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He is so quick to look at the heart

and whether he's talking Jonah through

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his temper tantrum under the plant

or he's meeting the woman at the

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well, whatever the situation is, he

does meet people where they're at

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Jen: Yeah.

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Stephanie: and he does that first.

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And then he says, go and sin

no more or corrects them.

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And I think we need to be really

careful that we have our children's

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hearts and that they know how loved

and safe they are and one of the most

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influential moments of entrusted when

was for me was when Betsy said, don't

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be shocked by your children's sin.

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Jen: Yes.

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Yes.

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I remember that all the time.

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Stephanie: Yeah, I carry that

all the time because I am, on a

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Jen: Yeah.

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Stephanie: I'm thinking, what?

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I would, I've never thought to do that.

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Are you kidding?

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And I hope that I keep that internal

and my face doesn't show it.

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But Betsy said, if you act

shocked, they're never going

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to come tell you these things.

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And even there have been moments,

when my kids have confessed the

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things that they're feeling.

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And.

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To relate to them and say, I

feel like that sometimes too.

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I'm struggling with that as well.

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Here, and to not make them

feel shame for those struggles.

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Jen: Absolutely.

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Yes.

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And I do think that they're, you're

right about like sometimes kids

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just don't have the words or the

capacity to express what's going on.

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So I guess just constantly

checking in with them and being

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close to them and drawing near.

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And maybe if you have other children

in the home, I don't know the home

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situation here, but it does sound like

they said, That he wasn't as kind to

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the siblings icon So it does sound

like there's other kids in the house.

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But to go, for a walk maybe right after

school Hey, you and me, just mom and

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you're go for a walk and just talk about

your day and just continue to do that.

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And do that.

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I have noticed with boys if you get their

hands, busy, Their mouths will talk.

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It's like something happens

while their hands are busy.

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So maybe if he's playing with Legos in

the afternoon, you just go sit beside

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him and start building something beside

him and you don't have to say anything.

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They'll start talking to you because

of that side by side that's how

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relationships happen with boys.

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And just getting their hands busy,

I think he would talk with him.

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I, especially if he feels that

what he can say, isn't going to be,

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He's not going to get in trouble

for it, and they will help him.

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Stephanie: And this mom had said that

they really tried one on one time,

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it's hard to know the extent of that

and if that was a regular thing and

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if that really built up in his heart.

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I did think that.

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Just taking time to enjoy him, to

pour into him and to enter his world.

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What are the things he enjoys when he's

so thrown off that he doesn't get to do

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the things he wants to do in the evening?

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Is there some validity that there's,

maybe he's sitting quietly in a desk

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all day at school and he really just

wants to do something he enjoys.

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And can you do that with him?

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And I'm not meaning in a child centered

way, but in a, you're not a project to me.

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This thing that you love, I want to

love it with you because I love you.

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And I'm not just spending time

with you because I'm trying

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to fix this anger issue.

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I'm spending time with

you because I love you.

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And for him to feel I'm not

a project to my parents.

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Jen: Totally.

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I agree.

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I do think that at the

end of the day He is 11,

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Can't run away from home, he can't storm

off and he can't treat people that way.

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And we are the parents.

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We have the authority to make the

decisions on our calendar and our way, Is

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going to be what you're going to submit

to, but we want to take into account.

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We want to understand what it is.

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And maybe you in that family meeting,

you'd be like, what are the things

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you would like to have this week?

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Would you like to have some

quiet time, some downtime?

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Would you like to have some

Lego time or outside time?

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What is that?

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How can we work that in?

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Because we got these other things

on the calendar as well, but

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we want to honor you as well.

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So how can we help meet that need?

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But in the end, whatever mom and dad say.

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Is what's going to go and you're going

to do it with a happy heart and you're

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not going to complain and Grumble and be

cranky about it We've worked together and

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we've done what we can to meet your needs

and then you need to start obeying here

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Stephanie: I think giving boundaries

around how anger is allowed to be

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expressed in your home is a helpful thing.

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And I have a good friend, Laura, and

I remember she, I'm trying to remember

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what the two ways she said that were

okay in her home, but she said, you

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may punch a pillow or you may do

this, but you may not slam doors.

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You may not take it out on others.

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And she just gave her child an outlet.

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And I think sometimes that

just diffuses like, oh, okay.

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And it I don't know, it takes a

little bit of the edge off or just

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knowing that they have an outlet.

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It's okay if you're feeling really

frustrated and you're trying to just

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figure out a way to get that energy out.

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You can go, shoot hoops for 10 minutes.

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You can punch pillows.

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You can jump on a trampoline.

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You can do a couple of these things.

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You may even say, Could I have 10 moments

alone in my room to think, please?

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You don't have to be

pushed to speak right away.

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There are respectable ways to handle

a real emotion, and that can be more

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productive for kids, and to give them

a positive outlet for these things,

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and this isn't going to go away.

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We're gonna struggle with

anger in some way or another

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throughout our life probably.

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Obviously, some people more than others.

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Let's train them to handle it in

a reasonable way instead of asking

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them to shove it under the rug,

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Jen: Yeah.

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Yeah.

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I think it was Al Mohler said one

time that when his mind is going crazy

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because he's angry or he's upset about

something, the first thing he does is

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he turns on hymns and he forces himself

to say the words and to sing along with

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the hymns and to just sing it to the

Lord, a new song, a song of of praise

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to him and to get your mind on that.

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And so I think when our minds are

spiraling like that, just turning

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our affections, turning our hearts

to the Lord, and We can't start

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training our kids too early to do that.

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Okay, stop.

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Take a deep breath in through

the nose, out through the mouth.

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That's what I tell my kids all the time.

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Take a deep breath in through

the nose, out through the mouth.

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Okay, now let's pray about it.

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Lord, help me.

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Help me to calm down.

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Give me clarity on why I'm angry.

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Help me to be relaxed.

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Help me to understand this.

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Please help me.

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And then go and take that moment

and go listen to worship music.

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Go shoot some hoops while singing

a praise song or something,

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but get your mind on the Lord.

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When your mind is on the Lord,

everything else will fall into

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place and will seem much smaller.

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And when you come back, we

can have that discussion.

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But if you're going to go off into

the room and just punch pillows,

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you've done nothing about your heart.

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You've done you've done the physical

act of letting the aggression out,

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but your heart still isn't changed.

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And so just getting them to realize like

the first and foremost, my heart matters.

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I need to calm my body down and

get my heart aligned with the Lord.

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And it's super hard if your kid

is I don't want to do any of that.

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Then as the parent, okay.

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You go do the breathing,

I'm going to pray over you.

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Go outside and shoot hoops, but I'm going

to pray over you because I know that's

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what's going to calm your heart down.

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Stephanie: Huh.

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There was a family presentation at

our homeschool co op this week and

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the dad that presented said that

when we sing or hum, it resets our

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nervous system and it actually it

like triggers your vagus nerve and

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Jen: Yeah.

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Stephanie: So I thought that was

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Jen: love that.

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Stephanie: yeah.

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And he was saying how it over 400

times in scripture it says, sing to

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the Lord and that's not just, that

doesn't just have a spiritual benefit.

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It has a physical benefit for us.

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So you're right.

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So I think if you, if they need something

to they're just so worked up that they

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can't possibly do that yet, then that's

where the punching pillows comes in.

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But it's not, it isn't, it is,

it's it's just the temporary thing

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until you, yeah, fix the heart.

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But if they're in a position

where they're willing to enter

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in spiritually and they have.

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That wisdom of, I know

this is going to help me.

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Yes, mom, I'll do the right thing.

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I think that's great.

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It's important to take that

20 year view on issues.

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Betsy talks about this in entrusted,

but also I think it was in the

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grace based parenting book.

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She also talked about that.

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And.

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I've had some situations like this

recently where I'm like, What happened?

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And there was one where I

was like, You know what?

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Actually, I think in 20

years this would matter.

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And I better handle this with seriousness

so that it never happens again.

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Thank you, Lord, for

bringing this to light.

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And then there was another situation

that I was worked up about and When

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I thought about, will this matter in

20 years, I was like, absolutely not.

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And it was a really

helpful clarifier for me.

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Don't make this a bigger deal than

it is, even though it like, what?

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Jen: That's a good idea.

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It's a good reminder.

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Stephanie: And even in all of it, I

want to say to this mom, you do not

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have to carry guilt for your child's

sin for the condition of their heart.

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You don't have to own it.

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There are definitely times that the

Lord is calling us to course correct,

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and we know in our hearts, I actually

could have steered this better,

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there's something you're calling me

to do differently, Lord, but sometimes

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it's not on us, and our children are

making choices and we can't own them,

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I just had a quick glimpse of an example

recently that helped me with this.

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I teach at the homeschool co op and I

have a really young little class and

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they were being really antsy and wild.

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And I just noticed how it

didn't bother me at all.

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Like internally, like my

blood pressure was fine.

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I just, I didn't own it.

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I I was like, why isn't

this triggering me at all?

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And I realized it's because I'm not

taking responsibility for their behavior.

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That these are children from nine

different families and all the parents

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are doing their best and they're just

having a wild moment because they're

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learning how to sit in a classroom.

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It's fine but then sometimes I can

be, maybe I'm in a grocery store

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with my own four children and

I'm thinking, what in the world?

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This is not how I've taught you to obey

and I am getting worked up about it

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and I realize what's the difference.

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Because I'm owning my own kids mistakes.

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As I said, sometimes the Lord is calling

us to a higher level of faithfulness

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in something or to make an adjustment.

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But if we are always owning every

wrong thing our children do, that is

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taking a lot of joy out of motherhood.

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And it's just not a burden

the Lord called us to bear.

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If we really believe that he is their

salvation, that he's their sanctifier,

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we don't have to carry all of that.

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And I feel like personally, that is

something that I'm really working on and.

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Making sure that I don't pick those

things up, that I don't automatically

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think I've done something wrong

here because my child sinned.

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And learning to say, thank you

God that this happened in my home.

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Thank you that it happened when

they're so young, that I have an

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opportunity to point them to you and

to steward their hearts in this way.

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That is such a gift instead of them,

making, hiding sin now and making

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bigger mistakes down the road.

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I'm really thankful that I

have that privilege to walk

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through the struggles with them.

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Even though I often have, more peaceful

existence in mind or hope and I hope

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that mom feels that piece of I can hear

the burden in her heart that she longs

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for the eternal security of her child.

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And God is for that even more so I think

to take a moment and to say, Lord, Are

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you have I not been faithful in some way?

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If I have please tell me

how you'd like me to change.

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And if he doesn't bring anything up just

know you're on the same team with the

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Lord, like you're on team salvation,

you're on team sanctification and Say,

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help me to cling to you for that wisdom.

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And thank you that you are so faithful

that you're not giving up on my child.

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Jen: That's a good word.

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Stephanie: One more verse that I

wanted to share in Psalm 27 verses

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13 and 14, it says, I believe that

I shall look upon the goodness of

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the Lord in the land of the living.

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Wait for the Lord, be strong

and let your heart take courage.

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Wait for the Lord.

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There's another version that

says, I would have despaired.

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If I had not believed, I would

see the goodness of the Lord

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in the land of the living.

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And that, in the land of the living,

that's terra firma that is on this earth.

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That's not just believing

in the goodness of heaven.

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And so God does have good things

for your child on this earth

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and for you on this earth.

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And you can continue to wait, to be

strong, let your heart take courage,

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but wait for the Lord to see it.

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But don't despair as you wait.

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We know that often we just don't have

the full picture of what's going on,

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but we hope some of that resonated

and encouraged you, this dear mom that

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sent the question, but also others.

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And I know Jen and I have talked that.

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This is a good opportunity for the

Lord to remind us about things that

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he's working on in our hearts as well.

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Jen: Absolutely.

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Stephanie: It's a really great,

honest, vulnerable question

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and we can definitely relate.

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Thank you for sharing that.

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And we would love more

questions to come in.

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To know how we can bless and help you.

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And the Lord has been so faithful

to teach us and there's much we're

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pressing into for now, so please

feel free to send us your questions.

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As I listened back and as Jen and I

processed a little bit after recording, I

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think it would be great if we did another

episode on handling our anger properly.

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it's already on our radar

to talk about how you train.

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Your children to have healthy

emotions and to view those properly.

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And we also want to talk about handling

our own emotions and parenting.

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We know, we don't just get to check

those at the door when we become a mom.

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So that is definitely on our

radar and that's coming up.

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We have more to say on handling

anger or handling emotions and the

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home so please keep coming back

every week and spread the word.

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We're so grateful for your support.

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Stephanie: We know you're busy,

Mama, so we are truly grateful you

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joined us for this episode of Again.

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If you're looking for more information

about building your home on the

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foundation of Jesus Christ, head to www.

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EntrustedMinistries.

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com to learn more about our study for

moms, Entrusted with a Child's Heart.

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This scripture saturated study

has blessed families around the

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world, and we want it for you, too.

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Before you go, I want to pray

this benediction over you

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from 2 Thessalonians 1, 11 12.

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We're rooting for you.

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To this end, we always pray for you,

that our God may make you worthy of His

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calling, and may fulfill every resolve

for good and every work of faith by

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His power, so that the name of our Lord

Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in

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Him, according to the grace of our God.

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And the Lord Jesus Christ.

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Amen.

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Until we meet again.

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About the Podcast

Again
Biblical Motherhood Untangled
So much of what we do as mothers is on repeat. Join us to redeem this repetition and untangle from the confusion and overwhelm of parenting. We'll follow the Agains in the Bible to focus on the things that matter most. Let's look up together to embrace a motherhood full of freedom and joy! This podcast is sponsored by Entrusted Ministries.

About your host

Profile picture for Stephanie Hickox

Stephanie Hickox

Stephanie has always delighted in God’s Word and in sharing it with others. Whether it is equipping mothers and leaders through Entrusted with a Child’s Heart, inspiring students when teaching at homeschool co-ops or children’s ministry, or homeschooling her own children, Stephanie’s life mission is to encourage others to follow faithfully and joyfully after Jesus—especially if they hold her favorite job title: mom.

Betsy Corning wrote Entrusted with a Child’s Heart in 1999 in response to the needs she saw in families as she and David counseled young parents just a few years behind them. Entrusted has been taught in hundreds of churches nationwide, been translated into several foreign languages, and has made its way around the world. More recently, Betsy received her Masters in Biblical Studies from The Master’s University and is developing a new Bible Study program called Get the Word Out. Her passion for God’s Word, discipleship, and teaching biblical principles as they apply to family life has remained strong to this day. One of the greatest blessings in Betsy’s life are her three grown children, their spouses, and ten grandchildren that keep her constantly in touch with every age and stage.

Jen Freckman Is an incredible wealth of wisdom. She will tell you a natural remedy for just about anything! She is also a voracious reader and she is just overflowing with quotes and guidance that she's encountered through reading and being faithful. She delights in her children and is a devoted mother. She is also an amazingly creative problem solver! Her solutions to manage her home and guide her children are inspiring.

Emily Deyo is such a treasure. She is an incredible encourager and servant-hearted woman. When she has the mic in front of her, so much value comes out! She is a wordsmith and her heart consistently beats for how she can encourage and serve others. She is a truly loving and attentive mother.

Join Betsy, Emily, Jen, and Stephanie as they share the wisdom only Scripture and on-the-job training can provide to help untangle the joyful calling of motherhood.