Episode 86
#85. Summer Series: The Sandpaper Sound of Siblings | Can We Really Help Them Be Lifelong Friends?
Is there ever a time when there are more sibling squabbles than during the summer?! We are feeling it over here ourselves! Parenting biblically is hard, so we wanted to provide some of our best tips for how we've stewarded sibling relationships. Not just managing them, but truly pointing our children toward lifelong loving friendships. Today's episode has practical systems for Christian parents managing this, but also gets to the heart of what do you really do? What does a good apology look like? How do you encourage your children to work out biblical principles like forgiveness and grace?
Studies mentioned: Entrusted with a Child's Heart
Donate to Our Nonprofit Ministry Here. Every gift counts!
Scriptures Referenced:
Ephesians 4:30- 32
Hebrews 3:13
Romans 12:15
Jeremiah 17:9
Romans 12:9-12
Transcript
Welcome to the Again
podcast summer series.
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:I'm your host, Stephanie Hickox, and this
is brought to you by Entrusted Ministries.
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:This summer, we've selected some of our
favorite episodes that we think help
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:set the tone for biblical motherhood
in our hearts, but also have great
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:practical wisdom for you to apply.
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:I've shortened these as much as I can,
so you can get what you need as quickly
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:as possible and get back to swimming,
splashing, and snuggling those kiddos.
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:Whether your summer is a bunch of
schedule managing or a blank open
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:canvas to architect, we pray that
you find time to sit at the feet of
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:Jesus and to enter in with your kids.
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:today.
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:I am choosing to replay an episode
because I think it might be an ideal time
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:to have a refresher as we embrace the
unstructured time provided by the summer.
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:I find it can be a really wonderful
opportunity to revisit what we
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:desire to have happen in our homes.
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:We are replaying the
sandpaper sound of siblings.
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:That episode was highly listened
to, but it's also one of the
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:most requested topics to discuss.
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:For Many of us, each and every
day in our homes, we see the
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:tension of raising siblings.
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:This episode talks about stewarding
it and not just managing it,
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:actually pointing our children
toward loving lifelong relationships.
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:As we discussed the sandpaper
sound of siblings smoothing out
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:each other's rough edges and the
iron sharpening iron in your home.
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:Betsy Corning, Jen
Frackman and Emily deal.
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:Give practical systems, but
also discuss getting to the
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:heart of what do you really do?
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:What does a good apology look like, and
how do you encourage your children to work
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:out biblical principles like forgiveness
and showing grace and having restoration.
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:It's a very comprehensive topic, but
hopefully these few moments of wisdom
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:give you inspiration to press into the
Lord for how to guide your children
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:to love each other and to love him.
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:Steph: Emily, you have two children,
which can present a beautiful
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:opportunity for bonding, but then a
little bit of a challenge sometimes too.
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:Yes.
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:So I would love for you to speak to how
you've managed that in your home, and
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:the wisdom that the Lord's brought you.
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:Emily: Yes, we have two children.
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:My oldest being 17 and that is my son,
and then my youngest being actually
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:almost 13, and that is my daughter.
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:Throughout
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:the years, sibling relationships
shift and change as they mature.
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:And you face different challenges.
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:But something consistent that we have said
in our home is to keep short account of
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:one another's wrongdoing because you will
most definitely disappoint one another,
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:it's inevitable, or hurt one another.
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:And so having the ability to be quick to
forgive, which I understand when they're
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:young, is a hard thing to work through.
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:But if you can stay consistent and
work through it to the age that
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:my kids are, 17 and almost 13, it
reaps great benefits because you've
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:trained them to keep short account.
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:Now that does not mean that they do it
perfectly, but we've used the verse in
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:Ephesians 4:30- 32, and it speaks to
letting all bitterness and wrath and
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:anger and clamor and slander be put
away from you along with all malice
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:and be kind one to another tender
hearted, forgiving each other just as
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:God in Christ has also forgiven you.
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:Along those lines we also have
talked a lot with our children
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:about cheering one another on.
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:There can be so much tension within
siblings of different opportunities
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:that come their way at different times.
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:When they were young, there
was a lot of, that's not fair.
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:We've all heard that phrase.
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:And we talked a lot with them
that you will have different
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:opportunities at different times.
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:My oldest may get to go to a really fun
church activity or an amusement park.
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:And my daughter, you know,
may not, and that's okay.
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:But the important thing is to cheer one
another on and be happy when opportunities
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:come their way at different times.
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:That's helped us a lot as well.
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:And I would say also speaking into
each other's day at, at the dinner
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:table and asking questions to one
another about what they've done and
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:how it went and, oh, how did the
golf tournament go and what happened?
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:And funny stories and just
cultivating that relationship of
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:interest in each other's interests.
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:And as I said before, as they get
older, this will just come like second
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:nature because you've built it into them.
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:So yes, we've worked very hard to
keep the competition away from each
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:other and to respect one another's
interests and to love on each other.
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:Because we've also talked about
the verse encourage one another
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:while it is still today (Heb 3:13)
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:those are just a few
tips that have helped us.
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:Jen: It reminds me of the verse that
says, rejoice with those who rejoice and
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:mourn with those who mourn (Romans 12:15)
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:and so not having a spirit of
competition with each other.
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:But when your sibling gets to go
to Six Flags and you're staying
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:home, yes, rejoice with them.
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:That's so fun for you.
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:I'm so happy and just.
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:You know, dying to self isn't that
what forgiveness is, is dying to
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:self and being able to rejoice with
others and not put yourself first.
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:And we've said that with our
kids, that you need to be willing
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:to yield your demands, your ways
that you wanna be treated, your
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:rights to your siblings at times.
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:It's not always about you.
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:It's not always gonna be your
special moment, your special day.
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:And, God was willing to die.
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:Jesus was willing to die on the cross
for us and to give up his life for us.
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:And so if it's the ability to be able
to roll that off your back, die to self.
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:Let that go and not need every moment of
your life to be met the way you want it,
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:how you want it and when you want it.
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:That's a huge skill to learn.
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:Even for adults.
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:It's hard, it's hard to do that
because we see the desire that we have.
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:So we've tried to teach our
kids that you work it out first.
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:If you have a problem with your
sibling, you go to them first and you
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:say, that hurt my feelings that you
did this, and you try to work it out.
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:And if the two of you cannot work it out,
then you need to come to mom and dad.
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:But even in coming to us,
you can't just come and tell
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:everything that your brother did.
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:If you need help working it out,
then you come to me and you say, I
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:have a hard time seeing my own sin.
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:Can you help me work this out and help
me see where I may have gone wrong?
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:That's a totally different attitude than
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:He
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:came and he took this
out and he wanted this.
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:Then you just want revenge.
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:You just want justice in your own way.
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:And so we've really tried to pour
into them that reconciliation and
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:forgiveness, they work together, but
it starts with you owning your own sin.
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:And, and reconciling yourself and
your heart right with the Lord first.
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:And then you can rightfully go to that
person and ask for, for forgiveness.
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:We even talked about, Having a
correct apology, owning what you
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:did, saying what was wrong, how you
wish you would've done it, or you
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:might do it better in the future.
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:And asking that forgiveness
from that person.
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:And then we always have them end with a
hug and, we have them say best buddies.
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:So they have to look at each
other's smile and say, best buddies.
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:And then when they've smiled,
then they've moved on.
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:Then they know that
their hearts are right.
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:And if they can't do that,
their heart's not right and
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:then they're still tripped up.
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:Betsy: I always say if they can go
on doing what they were doing before
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:the squabble, that they've actually
gone full circle, that they've
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:really reconciled with each other.
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:Mm-hmm.
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:But I think it's so important because
you can look at relationships of people.
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:I, I would even use my own family
as an example when I was younger.
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:My mom would repeat that verse and
she would say, be tenderhearted when
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:she saw us getting to that point.
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:But then not really teaching us how to
ask forgiveness, how to own our sin.
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:It's still hard in life if you haven't
really been taught that as a child.
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:There's a lot of pride that can
build up and that in older sibling
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:relationships, Can really cause
difficulties because grudges can be held
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:onto, and it's just really sad, because
we always say family is your constant.
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:And I tell my grandkids and my kids, no
matter where you go in the world, your
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:brothers and sisters are your constant.
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:You'll have friends that you think
are your very best friends, but
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:they will probably come and go
and your siblings are forever.
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:So learn to really.
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:Ask forgiveness.
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:Mm-hmm.
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:And receive forgiveness
and be quick to forgive.
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:It's really three parts.
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:And if we can think about ourselves,
am I able to ask forgiveness?
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:Am I able to model that to my kids?
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:Because that's a humbling thing.
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:Mm-hmm.
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:So if we can ask forgiveness of
somebody, sometimes even of our
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:kids, we have to ask forgiveness.
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:So if we're able to ask forgiveness, then
we're modeling to them that humility.
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:And then if we give forgiveness quickly.
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:So if they ask their sibling
for forgiveness and they give
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:it quickly, that's what we
want them to learn to quickly
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:forgive, not to hold those
grudges and then to receive it.
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:If you've received forgiveness from
somebody, that's a very healing thing.
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:Mm-hmm.
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:So if those three things are
happening and the earlier they're
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:happening, when children are young
and they're learning that, like you
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:both have said already, is amazing.
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:I look at biblical examples of
sibling relationships gone awry.
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:It seems like there's more
of them have gone very badly.
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:And Cain Abel, obviously we would
never want anything like that.
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:Joseph and his brothers, although
God worked it for good, so God can
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:take the relationships that seem to
have gone badly and work it for his
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:good David's sons, because of what he
modeled for his sons, they went poorly.
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:So I think we can take those
examples and think we don't wanna
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:teach our kids partiality or if
there's jealousy between them.
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:We really wanna address that early on.
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:Emily: Yeah.
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:Mm-hmm.
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:Jen: I think also it's important for
our kids to see that early on in life,
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:sometimes you are not going to get an
apology, and even as an adult, there's
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:been times that I've had to forgive
people who have never apologized, but I
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:needed to forgive them for my own heart.
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:Before the Lord, and also
to work through that pain.
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:And so when you are given , a true apology
from someone, that softens your heart
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:to them so much, and so being willing to
submit to that and being able to forgive
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:even when you're not given the apology.
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:From someone to allow your,
the Lord to soften your heart
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:Betsy: so the bitterness
doesn't build up in your heart.
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:Yeah.
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:So you can be, they're off your hook.
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:Yes, and I see that because in
older relationships, With siblings,
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:let's say older grownups, they may
be holding a grudge and you have
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:to forgive them and forgive them
and forgive them for some reason.
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:They hold onto a hurt that you
cannot get to the bottom of.
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:For whatever reason, we know
these things can happen.
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:It's happened in my family, but
I've also seen that grace given and
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:prayer , really, really, really makes
a difference in over many years.
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:Can soften the heart of the
other person, so we forgive them.
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:So we don't become bitter, even if
we have to sometimes bear up under
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:harsh feelings from other siblings.
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:But how sad when it is family, right?
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:Yes.
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:So that's why we work on them very,
very much with our little ones.
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:Emily: Mm-hmm.
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:Steph: Absolutely.
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:It's such a training
ground for all of life.
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:All of these blessings we
have that start in a family.
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:We will be in relationships for.
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:Ever.
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:I tell my children regularly, do
you understand what a blessing
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:this will be for your marriage?
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:Your brother is teaching you how
to be a good husband right now.
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:So for me, I love homeschooling
because it gives me an opportunity
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:to steward these relationships.
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:My kids are together all the time,
and I'm with them all the time, and
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:I've realized Jen, I'm not doing
what you were saying very well.
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:I've been convicted of this recently
that I'm not training them to
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:handle it on their own without
me, because I'm always there.
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:Mm.
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:So I think I've had kind of the
standard for myself almost, that
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:I'm trying to model the omnipresence
of God or the availability of God.
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:I want my children to know they can
come to me and mom's here for you.
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:And I was convicted of
that a couple years ago.
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:Specifically that No, it's okay for.
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:Them to know that mom wasn't available.
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:Mm-hmm.
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:That only God is always available to you.
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:And so sometimes you're gonna need to
work things out and I can't be there.
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:I feel my kids are
getting to that point now.
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:They're 12, 10, 9, and five and a half
that I need to be setting up a better
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:standard of how do we approach each other?
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:How do we work through that when mom
isn't available to help us But I
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:really try to encourage them to see.
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:The wonderful parts of each other, even
in the conflict, do you see how forgiving
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:your brother is so that that son might be.
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:The most impulsive or struggle with
self-control, but he is so forgiving
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:and he has such a tender heart.
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:And so I, I say, do you see that in him?
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:And I know you, you're so self-controlled.
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:But honey, sometimes when we're
self-controlled, we struggle with
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:thinking that we're always right.
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:And so we need to have humility too.
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:And sometimes I've learned that
they're telling me their stories.
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:And it's a little bit too heated
and I need to maybe take one into a
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:different room and just let them know.
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:I hear you.
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:I hear that.
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:That was frustrating.
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:Do you see the other perspective?
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:And just relating to them and
empathizing, you know what?
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:I chose daddy.
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:And still there are moments where
mom has a hard time being gracious
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:and asking for forgiveness or
walking in humility or patience.
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:And so I know the Lord chose
this for you and it makes sense
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:that you're having conflict.
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:So I think when you expect that,
of course, these, this iron
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:sharpening iron is not always
the prettiest sound in your home.
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:I think that helps you to not
think, what am I doing wrong
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:or what's wrong with them?
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:Why can't they just get along?
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:You should think this is exactly
what it should sound like.
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:We're working it out.
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:Yes, we're, we're training them.
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:All those rough edges are being
smoothed and to the character
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:that God wants them to have.
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:A trend in our culture right
now is busyness and filling
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:our lives with activity.
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:So much so that some of these
relationships can't be stewarded
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:well, so there's a conflict,
but we'll get to it later.
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:We've gotta handle something
else and not prioritizing.
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:No, we need to get to the heart of this.
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:I would challenge moms to not put
band-aids on things, not to just save
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:everything for later to realize if this
is a problem in your home, go after it.
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:Give those kids.
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:That are struggling, really give
them time to work through it,
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:provide bonding experiences for them.
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:You know, if I'm gonna pick two kids
to go to grandma's house, I'm gonna
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:pick the two maybe that are struggling,
because I know they're gonna go
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:have a bonding experience together.
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:And , they'll come back and they'll
be like, we had so much fun together,
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:even though maybe there might be a
little friction So just trying to
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:give them different opportunities.
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:Or maybe I run an errand and I take
those too and remind them that they
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:do love each other in many ways.
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:Emily: So I'm so glad you said that
Steph because it reminded me that
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:often I think of siblings as sandpaper
to one another, and you need to allow
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:the friction work through the friction
so you can get to the smooth edges.
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:And I think that if you allow it to happen
in the right way, that siblings can knock
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:off the rough, rough edges and prepare
you for other relationships in life.
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:Every relationship we have as the Lord
constructed it because everything he
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:does and has for us is in perfect order.
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:But every relationship in our
life family-wise is meant for
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:yielding and dying to self.
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:And that is what we're asking our
children to do when they ask for
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:forgiveness and reconciliation.
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:We're asking them to die to
self and move on, which is
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:exactly what Christ asked of us.
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:And so he has us come full
circle in those moments.
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:And so yes, I agree.
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:Don't put the bandaid on.
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:Let the friction happen.
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:Work through the friction and let
it sand off those rough edges.
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:Betsy: Yeah.
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:Expect the friction because
they're little sinners and they're
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:not gonna, they're not gonna
know how to live together rightly
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:and and honor and selflessly.
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:We have to put in some
effort for that to happen.
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:And it, it can be so exasperating
to moms, but we really need to put
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:in that effort pays off dividends.
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:Well, some of the things that we've
done, I would say, Stephanie, one of the
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:things I did with two of my grandsons
that I thought, these two brothers really
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:need to bond and they're only one apart.
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:So sometimes there's more rivalry
when they're very close in age.
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:Mm-hmm.
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:But I thought, They're very different,
but they need to be bonding.
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:And I took them on a, a trip,
the two of them, that for a week.
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:That I knew would alter their perspective
of many things, but hopefully also of
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:their relationship because I wanted
it to be a different kind of trip.
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:It was a international trip, and
I wanted them to say whenever
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:they talked about it in life.
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:They knew that they had somebody
that understood completely
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:what they were saying.
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:So for the rest of their life,
they have this experience and
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:that was really a big part of it.
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:And I think they, they still do,
but sometimes it doesn't have
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:to be a big thing like that.
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:I couldn't have done that with
my children, but sometimes I
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:can do that as a grandparent.
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:But to look for little
things in your children that.
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:They can go to the swim, meet
of the bigger brother and cheer
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:him on with, you know, flags and
everything, or whatever it is.
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:I love,
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:I loved hearing that.
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:Share responsibilities together.
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:You know, you two are going to set
the table together, or you two are
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:gonna do this whatever ages they are,
but teach them how to work together
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:and then shared interests too.
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:That's fun.
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:I have 10 grandkids.
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:We all make Play-Doh together, so
whatever, from age 20 down to five.
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:And even if they were one, they sat in
the high chair and played with Play-Doh
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:and it was just such a fun experience.
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:I like to think of things that the
entire age group can do together.
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:Emily: Mm-hmm.
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:Jen: We
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:have a idea in
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:our family that, yes, sometimes you have
a bigger knot that needs to be worked
350
:out, and it takes a little bit more than
just a quick right there in the moment.
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:And so in the idea that.
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:In those situations where it's a bigger
thing, you are allowed to think on it
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:and pray about it and work your heart
towards forgiveness in that area.
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:And it doesn't have to be immediate,
but during the time where you're working
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:out with the Lord or with a parent to
be able to go back to that person, you
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:still have to treat that sibling with
kindness and respect and gentleness.
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:You may not, you know, give
him the cold shoulder or Just
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:ignore them or be rude to them.
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:You are to still love them kindly.
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:And then say, you know, I, I need to
think about this a little bit so I can
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:get clarity on my own heart of what, what
really upset me, what really hurt me.
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:And then to be able to go back to them
and say, okay, here's where it really was.
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:I thought it was this that you said
this, but really in the depths.
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:I felt this in my heart
when you said that.
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:And I think sometimes just.
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:Being away from the situation for a moment
and allowing themselves, because they're
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:so young, they don't know their hearts.
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:You know, our hearts are deceitful and
desperately wicked, who can know it (Jer
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:so allowing them to work that out and
to understand a little bit of what's
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:going on and then going back to them,
but still being kind in the moment.
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:because that's hard.
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:That's hard when you're hurt by
someone to be kind to them still.
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:Steph: Absolutely.
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:Betsy: And when they've done those three
steps, we say it's as if you've just
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:scrubbed the chalkboard clean and you
have no offenses against each other and
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:you hug each other like you say Yes.
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:And, and you know when they can
go on and do what they were doing.
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:Yes, that that's actually happened.
379
:Mm-hmm.
380
:Or if they say, no, I think
I'm gonna do this instead.
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:Well, maybe, but you wanna make sure
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:that it's
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:not.
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:because there's still
some hurt feelings there.
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:Yeah.
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:Well, Stephanie and I probably
have a tip that we love, we
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:call it the Happy Men Steph.
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:You wanna share what that is?
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:Steph: Sure.
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:I actually have some very fun, Happy
Men that we found at an antique store.
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:And they're tiny, little
vintage metal soldiers.
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:I mean, they're very tiny,
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:Horses.
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:Yes.
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:Less than an inch tall.
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:And I found four different colors.
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:So they're in a tiny pouch in my purse.
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:If there's an opportunity for something
to happen you can just pull one
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:out of the bag it's interesting
sometimes when you implement a system
400
:like this, you see the fruit of it.
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:They learn it, and so then you don't even
have to use the tool as much because.
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:It produced the fruit, they realized,
I'm not gonna complain because my
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:term will come, or, or maybe it
won't, but I'm rejoicing with others.
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:Betsy: Yeah.
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:I think it's great to cheer each other
on and when I would do the Happy Men
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:with my grandchildren, whoever won
the other three would have to shake
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:their hand and say, congratulations.
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:I'm so happy for you
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:Jen: Aw.
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:Emily: I love
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:this.
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:What ages did you start
implementing the Happy Men?
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:Betsy: they happened to be
about eight to 12 at the time.
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:Were taking them on a little excursion
and they can get into it so quickly.
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:And I knew we were gonna be
in the car for a long time,
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:and we used these happy men, which
just happened to be the marker
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:men from the Candyland game.
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:Mm-hmm.
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:That I put in a little pouch, stuck
it in my purse, and oh my goodness.
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:It worked so, so well.
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:Because sometimes, you know, somebody's
gonna get a better bed well, or
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:somebody's gonna get this or that.
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:And it, it just, worked great.
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:Steph: Something we talk a lot about in
Entrusted is the family plan, and I love
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:having a family plan to point my kids to.
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:Often when we have conflict,
I'll say, can you go to the
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:family plan and tell me which one
you're struggling with right now?
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:Ours comes out of Romans
12, nine through 12.
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:Let love be genuine.
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:Abhor what is evil?
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:Hold fast to what is good.
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:Love one another with brotherly affection,
outdo one another and showing honor.
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:Do not be slothful in zeal.
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:Be fervent in spirit.
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:Serve the Lord.
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:Rejoice in hope.
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:Be patient in tribulation.
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:Be constant in prayer.
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:The principles that we set up
for our family are that we pursue
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:righteousness, we honor and serve.
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:We live for Jesus, we press on in hope.
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:We choose joy and kindness and
we find our strength in prayer.
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:I can tell my kids, can you go to
that and can you tell me which one
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:you're struggling with right now?
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:It's amazing to me how intuitive
they are and perceptive of
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:what they're struggling with.
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:And so sometimes I know that they
need a little bit of a calming down.
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:And so I'll say, can you write out
the family commitment right now?
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:Just having that scripture, you know,
letting the, the word of God be the
450
:power in their lives and not my coaching
through it is sometimes the best
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:thing I think that I can do for them.
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:So already they're training themselves.
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:Ah, that verse is convicting.
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:Am I looking for things to be equal or am
I out doing my brother and showing honor?
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:One of my friends, her kids
actually did this, but she has a
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:kindness jar in her kitchen and
it's full of little colored pompoms.
457
:When someone sees something kind towards
another person, they move it to a bowl.
458
:And once the bowl is full, they might do
something like have ice cream as a family.
459
:Even though we don't want.
460
:To be rewards based and we're not
just looking for the external things.
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:I think it is great to focus on
the good that our kids are doing.
462
:We're gonna see many
opportunities for correction.
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:But are we saying I saw
that that was so loving.
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:That's exactly how I want
you to talk to your sister.
465
:You're being so protective of her.
466
:Jen: Yeah, and I think sometimes those
things are super helpful to hold us as
467
:moms accountable cuz we see the jar there
and it's like, oh yeah, that's right.
468
:I want to, I want to do that.
469
:We have an accountability board.
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:I literally call it the
accountability board and I will put.
471
:Good things that they've done.
472
:I'll just write it on there because I
know in the moment they might not be
473
:in the room when I thought like, oh
yeah, he just picked up his socks and
474
:he didn't need to be told to do that.
475
:That was such a blessing to me, and so
I'll write it on the board and it is
476
:like a way for me to remember that I
need to do that, but he can also read
477
:it and say, oh, mom noticed I did that.
478
:But then I'll also put the accountability
of like, Okay, this kid's gonna bed early.
479
:They, they had a discipline
and I might forget otherwise.
480
:And so having some type of
accountability for myself as well.
481
:Eventually once you get in the habit
of it, you might not need the bowl
482
:or you might not need the board as
much, but it is a great tool to use
483
:to train up yourself as you're doing
484
:Steph: it.
485
:Absolutely.
486
:I always say that children
are faithfulness monitors.
487
:Like,
488
:Jen: like, yeah.
489
:Steph: like, and I
490
:learned that kind of
as a classroom teacher,
491
:Emily: True.
492
:And then as they get older, we recently
moved and I can honestly say that our move
493
:was so much smoother because of our son.
494
:He is so handy
495
:he's 17.
496
:and
497
:, we did not tell him to do all the things,
but he saw the needs and filled it.
498
:And so later on you move to a
place that you don't physically
499
:need a tangible thing.
500
:It just starts to happen
501
:and you're like, thank you, such
a blessing to see that in action.
502
:Jen: Mm-hmm.
503
:Betsy: Right.
504
:We
505
:used a chart for certain years, but
then after a while you're hoping
506
:that it's all integrating and they're
self-governing and all these things.
507
:But that will be another day
that we talk about the chart.
508
:Oh,
509
:Steph: Yes, absolutely.
510
:It's such an amazing resource to
help your kids develop initiative and
511
:instead of developing a new
system, you can use this resource
512
:continually to target the things
that are issues in your home.
513
:because we expect that
there will be issues, right?
514
:Mm-hmm.
515
:We are working this out, our children
are working this out, and it is an
516
:honor to work through it with them.
517
:There will be the friction, there's
going to be the sandpaper moments.
518
:But if you are faithful.
519
:You will often find that you'll have
children who become best friends
520
:instead of just trying to maintain peace
at your Thanksgiving table someday.
521
:And I know that's what we all
want and, I don't think it's luck.
522
:I think there's a lot of intention Yes.
523
:That can steward that.
524
:If listening to this episode made you long
for deep conversations with other moms
525
:trying to point their children to Christ,
we encourage you to look into our study
526
:for moms Entrusted with the child's heart.
527
:Not only does it equips you with
solid biblical teaching, it also
528
:provides a format for these wonderful
discussions to happen with other moms.
529
:Head to our website, www dot
Entrusted Ministries dot com on
530
:our studies page to find out more.
531
:And while you're there, would you
consider becoming a monthly donor?
532
:No gift is too small, and it truly
equips the ministry to continue
533
:reaching families for the glory of God.
534
:Thanks for listening, mama.
535
:As you go back into the trenches,
remember, God sees every act of
536
:service and it all matters to him.